Much in the same way we’re all waiting anxiously to see if a rogue solar flare will end our shit in 2012, so does the world nervously await October 31st, 2010. On that traditionally joy filled night, an epic showdown has been promised that, were it to spin out of control, would assuredly lead to the destruction of everything we hold dear. We’re referring, of course, to the upcoming confrontation between MC Hammer and Jay-Z.
If you haven’t been following the story, it all started with a guest verse on a Kanye West song called “So Appalled.” On his verse, Jay-Z spits the following rhyme:
“And Hammer went broke, so you know I’m more focused/ I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30/ Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can’t hurt me.”
Never one to take an insult lightly, Hammer responded angrily on his Twitter page.
Nice use of hash tags, old man! In addition to his Twitter outburst, Hammer promised to retaliate for the disrespect on Halloween night. There’s no official word on what form that retaliation will take, but he did release this video to back up his claim:
Nice to see his automobile game is still on point! Sure, you might be laughing now, but we’d like to remind you that what you’re watching is video of an angry man who once put out a contract hit on the members of white rap group 3rd Bass after they made a joke about his mother. No shit.
We’ve certainly seen our share of rap feuds (not to mention more than a few office feuds) end in bloodshed. As much as we disliked that Kingdom Come album, we definitely don’t want to see Jay-Z shot in the face by MC Hammer. You know, unless it’s on South Park or something. But barring that, we sincerely hope this ruckus can be resolved in a peaceful manner. To help the process along, we’ve outlined a few ideas below that should nip this unpleasantness in the bud before anyone gets hurt.
Record a Joint Album for Charity
We’ll admit, this is kind of a long shot. But how great would it be if Jay-Z and Hammer settled their beef amicably and decided to focus their individual powers on a larger enemy, like poverty, for example! No need to even ask who the beneficiary of the philanthropy would be. All proceeds go to the “Stop Making Poverty Jokes about MC Hammer” foundation, an organization dedicated to putting enough cash back in Hammer’s cartoonishly large pants pockets to ensure that nobody ever clowns him for being broke again. Surely you’d agree, that’s a cause we can all get behind.
A duets album would be familiar territory for Jay-Z. He’s recorded two of them with R. Kelly, and that went swimmingly provided you don’t take the multi-million dollar lawsuit or the fact that R. Kelly ended up being pepper sprayed backstage at Madison Square Garden into account!
Dance it Out
We don’t know much, but we do know this…there is no problem in this world that can’t be solved through the power of dance. While the duets album would see Jay-Z firmly in his comfort zone, a dance off would be total Hammer Time. Unless pouring champagne on a stripper counts, we’re fairly certain we’ve never seen Jay-Z rock a dance move in our entire lives. Hammer, on the other hand, can’t even attend a pool party without grinding on every chick within a five foot radius.
Yeah, we have used that video before. And we’ll use it every damn chance we have moving forward also. Get used to it. Anyway, Jay-Z can talk all the shit he wants about foolishly squandering away $30 million dollars, but on the dance floor, he can’t say shit. A dance off in plain view of the public would put him right back in his place and, most likely, end this conflict for good.
As much as we like peace, we’d be lying if we said we weren’t excited at the prospect of seeing at least a little senseless violence erupt as a result of this silly feud. Hammer looks great on the heavy bag, why not give him a chance to whup some real ass? We would cough up the $59.95 to see these two smash the shit out of each other on pay-per-view without a second thought.
Again, it’s not like the idea is that unprecedented. Remember that Celebrity Boxing show on Fox a few years back? That shit was awesome! Todd Bridges beat the shit out of Vanilla Ice. Classic! Hey, speaking of that…
Take it Out On Vanilla Ice
What’s this asshole up to these days? Whatever it is, it almost certainly warrants a brutal attack. There’s obviously a lot of frustration on Hammer’s side of things, blowing through millions without so much as a diamond encrusted iPod to show for it will do that to a person. But why be mad at Jay-Z? He’s a rapper, he was just doing his job when he made fun of Hammer. It’s not like it’s his fault the guy went broke. It’s not Vanilla Ice’s fault either, but still, screw that guy. If Hammer really wants to hand out a soul satisfying beat down to somebody, Ice is the man for the job. Please, Hammer, hurt ‘em!
Blunts with Obama
Sometimes, you have to bring in the big guns to get a problem solved. When Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates was arrested for breaking into his own home, it took Barack Obama and a few beers to smooth things out. Unfortunately, it may come to that again. If Congress has time to spend worrying about baseball and steroids, we see no reason why the President can’t take a few minutes out of his day to talk Hammer and Jay-Z down from the ledge.
Granted, this is a rap feud, so a couple of Coors Lights aren’t going to cut it. Hear this loud and clear — Coors Light is not gangster. Not at all. It’s going to take a way more potent elixir to cure this fever. Specifically, it’s going to take weed. Do you see that picture up there? Replace the stuffy suits and ties with two rappers and a pile of Afghani Kush. A few games of dominoes later, all is resolved. If only unemployment was that easy to fix.