A Hater’s Guide to the New England Patriots

New England Patriots HaterOnce again, the New England Patriots have done what they do best – conspire to make life miserable for about 90% of the NFL watching public. This time around, they aren’t doing it by destroying every team they play by sixty points or running up the score late in the fourth quarter. No, this time, they did it with a trade.

In a move that the majority of the sports media is still trying to wrap their heads around, the Patriots have traded future Hall of Fame wide receiver Randy Moss back to the team he came into the league with, the Minnesota Vikings, for nothing more than a third round draft pick.

So far, the news coverage of the trade is at least on par with the madness that surrounds the annual Brett Favre retirement extravaganza. Expect it to get much worse as the Vikes monday night showdown with New England Patriots division rival the New York Jets approaches. And then again when the Vikings play the Packers. And the Patriots a few weeks later. Goddamn you, Bill Belichick.

If you’re anything like us, this blockbuster trade is going to have you slinging any number of heated slurs in the direction of the Patriots for months to come. In light of that, we’ve put together this handy New England Patriots Hater Guide, just in case you find yourself at a loss for something to curse New England for.

The Basics

  • The Patriots were founded in Boston in 1959.
  • Also born in 1959…former Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh.

David Koresh

  • The team was originally known as the Boston Patriots but changed their name to the New England Patriots because it sounds classier and they’re ashamed of where they came from.

NFL Success

  • The New England Patriots won what felt to the rest of us like ten Super Bowls from 2001 – 2004.
  • They also awesomely lost Super Bowl XLII to the New York Giants, capping off a season that turned out to be way more perfect than anyone could have ever imagined it would be.

Patriots Fan Crying

Tom Brady

Tom Brady Justin Bieber

Bill Belichick

  • Bill Belichick was outed as a shady cheater after it was discovered the Patriots had been videotaping opposing defense signals.
  • Belichick once famously blew off former protege Eric Mangini after a game in which the Jets defeated the Patriots.
  • The controversy was resolved a few weeks later when all involved parties agreed that Bill Belichick is a surly curmudgeon.
  • Also, nice goddamn sweatshirt.

Bill Belichick Hoodie

Robert Kraft

  • The New England Patriots are owned by Robert Kraft, CEO of the Kraft Foods empire.
  • Velveeta Shells and Cheese kicks the shit out of Kraft Mac and Cheese. For real.

velveeta shells and cheese

  • Robert Kraft once had his Super Bowl ring jacked by Russian President Vladimir Putin.
  • Seriously, he just put that shit right in his pocket. Hilarious.

Putin Robert Kraft