This week in box office news: the future of filmmaking has been found! It’s 3-D porn. No, seriously.
The Chinese (always two steps ahead of us) have made a new 3-D porno into a box office hit, with a bigger take than Avatar, even. Who would’ve thought a 3-D film about falling in love and having sex would be more successful than a 3-D film about falling in love and having sex, with 8-foot-tall blue aliens? Seriously, what’s this world come to? Just when you think you know what the public wants.
It’s your weekly Trailer Park, where we mindlessly babble about new movie trailers for your reading delight. This week: Crazy sci-fi drama! Freaky Friday bromance! Olivia Wilde! An open letter to Tyler Perry! Olivia Wilde! Taint freckles! Leslie Mann! Olivia Wilde! It’s one hell of a Wilde time, if you catch my drift.
(Because Olivia Wilde is in The Change-Up, and “wild” is spelled very similarly to “Wilde.” That was the joke.)
William Mapother, Brit Marling, Jordan Baker
Okay! So this trailer perfectly illustrates two essential pillars of filmmaking. The first is that loud, rumble-y bass sounds are ALWAYS SCARY. Think about it. Remember Jurassic Park? Yeah, you do. Point illustrated.
The second is that when those loud, rumble-y bass sounds are followed up with some slow, dripping piano, it seems moving. We don’t really get the backstory from this trailer, in terms of what happens to the main character, but you’ve got that piano, the dramatic voiceover, the interstitial titles -”another chance, another you” – all we learn about this movie here is there’s another, duplicate earth now, and the main character did something weird, and what else do you need to know? Bass rumble and dripping piano. Scary and moving. The music sums it up better than the trailer could.
Oh, and the third essential pillar of filmmaking: there’s always a nerd on the Internet to ruin it for everyone. From the YouTube comments:
Ryan Reynolds, Jason Bateman, Olivia Wilde
From the directors of Wedding Crashers and the writers of The Hangover comes a rehashed Freaky Friday that plays like a bromance. Three reasons to see this: 1. Olivia Wilde. 2. Olivia Wilde. 3. “I’ve got freckles on my taint! How awesome is that?”
Two reasons might actually be all you need.
Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry Directs Tyler Perry in Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family
DEAR TYLER PERRY:
Listen, if you choose to continue making movies, that’s your call. I can’t stop you, and lord knows you haven’t either. Apparently, there is still a market of film consumer who will pay money to see them. Good on you.
But could you maybe please lay off the insertion of your own name before the title of every single thing you make? I mean, yes, everyone deserves credit where credit’s due! But for most film directors and writers, a simple inclusion in the designated “credits” portion of each film is satisfactory. Sometimes a marketing department will make a point to highlight a director’s name if they’ve created other notable works. Maybe Quentin Tarantino will make the poster say “A film by Quentin Tarantino.”
Possessory credits are a stylistic choice, true. You are definitely making bold stylistic choices! But why don’t you try making a film without your name in the title for a change? People might be surprised to learn you were, in fact, the director and writer! They might be pleasantly surprised, or unpleasantly surprised, but surprised nonetheless.
Also, it will keep me from having to constantly see my own name every time you have a new marketing blitz to unleash. It’s annoying when you come out with a new movie. You weren’t even born a Tyler. You were born an Emmitt. What’s wrong with Emmitt? That’s a perfectly fine name! Tyler sounds like a first grader, and people always confuse you for a “Todd” or “Troy” or “Derrick” or something, and just get off my turf, man. Tyler’s my game. I run that game here. Seriously.
Please stop making films.
Tyler Trykowski Presents A Tyler Trykowski Production: Tyler Trykowski’s Trailer Park, Written and Directed by Tyler Trykowski