This week, Trailer Park simultaneously questions the sanity of Mel Gibson, awkwardly covers up robot-violence-induced chubbies and gets taken to court by Matthew McConaughey in the back of a sleek, black Lincoln. We’re, uhh, just that good. It’s your weekly Trailer Park, where we make snarky comments about people who earn 250 times our salary, because that’s just how the Internet works.
The Lincoln Lawyer
Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Phillippe, Marisa Tomei
In theaters March 2011
We know everyone hates them, but you have to admit, some lawyers are just badasses. (Apparently, they are organized by specialty and location at badasslawyer.com, where the vetting process to get listed involves stealing an NBA baller’s girlfriend, then jerking off on the moon.)
So here’s Matthew McConaughey basically winning at the badass lawyer game: he works out of the back of his black Lincoln. He counts fat stacks by shaking them around in an envelope. He has witty quips for any situation. He’s like the Johnnie Cochran of 2010. In The Lincoln Lawyer, he defends garden-variety criminals until he takes on the case of his career, representing a Beverly Hills playboy accused of rape and murder. Soon enough, the seemingly straightforward case turns into a deadly game for survival. This one looks about as good as that freshly-washed Lincoln in the California sun. Until March!
Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, Dakota Goyo
In theaters October 2011
Holy testosterone, Batman, it’s UFC meets Transformers. In the future, boxing’s motto is: float like a hovercraft, sting like a carbon-composite exploding dagger. This one’s for those who can’t stand Shia LeBouf but need their yearly dose of gigantic robots destroying things. The CGI here can’t touch what Michael Bay’s done, below, but this looks great regardless.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel
In theaters July 2011
Dreamworks gave Michael Bay the company American Express Black card and told him to go crazy in Chicago. Here’s what he came back with: a polished piece of CGI magic that takes the Transformers film brand and kicks it up a notch. While this trailer lacks LeBouf, Duhamel or any of the other A-list talent on the project, it does show us how huge the Transformers will be this time around (really huge) and how intense the animation gets (mind-blowing, probably). That being said, it’s Transformers. If you liked the first two, you’ll see it, and if you don’t, well, you can check out…
Mel Gibson, Mel Gibson’s Hand, Mel Gibson’s Approximation of How An Anthropomorphic Beaver Would Talk
Mel Gibson, the American public already thinks you’re racist, sexist, crazy and possibly dangerous to those around you. You’ve been dragged through the mud on South Park, which is a pretty good indicator of where your personal brand’s headed in the last few years. So we would suggest you hire a new manager, because it’s quite possible that starring in a movie whose entire conceit involves the fact that you allow voices in your head to play out in real life with a puppet you carry around everywhere won’t do anything good for your image. Nothing good at all.
Are we supposed to feel sorry for Gibson? His son calls him a loser and his wife kicks him out of the house, so he gets a “prescription puppet” that separates the negative aspects of his personality into a persona he’s created on his fist. Is that intended to make us humanize with him? Because, honestly, all we see is a crazy dude talking to a puppet on his hand. It looks like, by the end of the film, this becomes something of a national craze and he becomes famous for this.
Let’s do a quick test to see whether this is plausible: if one of your coworkers came into work on Monday with a beaver puppet on his arm and began talking to you in a strange voice while moving its lips, how would you react? Yeah, we’d call HR too. We’d call ‘em in about a second and a half flat.