Even cats run out of lives at some point, and “Swell” Mel Gibson’s latest outburst of his blazing hatred for just about everything under the sun makes you wonder if this guy will ever be able to draw a paycheck again. We’re no damage control PR firm, but we have a few ideas that might assist Mel in staving off the staggering financial devastation that’s surely heading his way.
Get Your Priorities In Order
Mel certainly screwed up when he impregnated Oksana Grigorieva, who he clearly hates with a raging passion. But during the onslaught of verbal abuse he directed at the mother of his child recently, he made it clear that his intent would be to get blown and commit arson, in that order. Even in the midst of blind rage, Mel gives glimpses of being lucid and able to put life events in the proper sequence. So, there’s hope for him.
Embrace the Past
Considering that Hollywood is utterly devoid of original ideas and completely unwilling to take chances, tapping into an established franchise is a smart thing to do for any actor. For one with anger management issues who’s smack dab in the middle of a public relations nightmare of near-O.J. Simpson proportions, it’s flat-out genius. So for Mel, we suggest something that’s right in his wheelhouse: Madder Max: The Road Rage Warrior. We’ll also suggest that he avoid making What Women Want 2, because these days, he thinks what women want is to be punched in the teeth.
Going in a different professional direction somewhat late in life is pretty fashionable these days. Perhaps Mel might consider becoming a professional wrestler. That way he could take out his aggressions in a fake (and thus relatively harmless) environment that’s nearly 100 percent free of the women and minorities he despises. Or he could simply move to Arizona, where an equal opportunity bigot like him can probably secure a cushy government figurehead position easily.
Go Back Home
Sometimes it’s best to simply start over, and where better to do that than your birthplace? In Mel’s case, that would be Peekskill, New York, where Paul “Pee-wee Herman” Reubens also was spawned. Maybe Mel’s so pissed off because in a recent SNL skit featuring Fred Armisen as New York Governor David Paterson, the people of Peekskill were referred to as “rock-eaters” and “freaks.” At least Armisen didn’t call them “prejudiced, insecure assholes who abuse women.” That would have really set Mel off.
Go Back Home Part Deux
He didn’t move there until he was 12 years old, but many people regard Australia as Mel Gibson’s native land. Considering that at one point the entire continent was nothing more than a penal colony for all of Europe’s criminal undercrust, it’s the perfect place for a coiled spring like him, especially since it’s no longer overrun by packs of Aborigines. Packs of koalas and kangaroos are still there, though. He probably hates them too.
Just Go Away
At this point Mel might be out of options other than to vanish to a remote island somewhere and live out his days, never to be seen or heard from again. Because let’s face it: When the likes of Jack and Kelly Osbourne are mocking you publicly (and in tandem, no less) you haven’t just hit rock bottom, you’ve smashed right through it.