A few weeks ago, we gave you the inside information on a brewing conflict so epic in scale that it threatened the very fabric of life as we know it. MC Hammer and Jay-Z were going to war. It all started over a line in a Kanye West song and would all be resolved, according to Hammer, on Halloween night.

Well, Halloween night came and went without so much as a new Taco Bell commercial from Hammer, but just when it seemed the threat had passed, something happened this morning. Hammer took to his Twitter page and posted this.

Awww shit, it’s a new video! And it’s totally about Jay-Z! That’ll show him! What better way to topple a multi-million selling record company owner than to post a video that, at current count, has been seen by 309 people? Brilliant!

But enough about questionable battlefield strategies, how about that video? We watched it, and we have some questions. Here are five things we want to know about MC Hammer’s “Better Run Run” video.

What is the Purpose of that Intro?

It’s not unusual for a music video to have a lengthy intro. Most recently, Lady Gaga spent a solid four minutes or so getting booked into some sort of prison for cross dressers before the actual music video for her Beyonce collaboration “Telephone” could be bothered to start. That’s fine though, because that intro was filled with scantily clad pop stars and Quentin Tarrantino references. We have a high tolerance for both of those things.

One thing we can’t stand for though is people who talk on cell phones when they should be paying attention to us. So imagine our dismay when we reached the 1:20 mark of this video and realized we had just sat through an entire opening scene that consists of nothing more than Hammer talking on a phone while a room full of MMA executives, who are there for reasons lost on us, wait for Hammer to get off the goddamn phone. Who the hell is he talking to? Cut the yappin and get to rappin, Hammer.

Does Jay-Z Really Have Floppy Man Boobs?

In our defense, it’s not like Jay-Z is constantly popping his shirt off in publicity photos, so you’ll excuse our ignorance if this is widespread news and we’re just late to the party. But really, can anyone confirm if Jay-Z is rocking an uncomfortably large pair of sweater bunnies? Because he is in this video, which is unfortunate given the amount of running he does. Looks like somebody gave up smuggling drugs and decided to start smuggling raisins instead!

Would it Have Killed Him to Put Some Women in the Video?

Even just one hot chick would have been nice, you know? Who the hell sports a team of four backup dancers and doesn’t make at least one of them a woman? This flies in the face of everything we enjoy about music videos and, at the end of the day, makes us a lot less sympathetic to Hammer’s cause.

Believe in Conspiracy Theories Much?

For such a high profile target, it’s true that Jay-Z doesn’t have much going for him that a person could realistically make fun of. He’s rich, he’s married to a winner, he’s a goddamn rapper. Things don’t get much more awesome. But that doesn’t mean you have to resort to internet hysteria.

But that’s exactly what Hammer does here, focusing on the alleged ties between Jay-Z and the Illuminati. It’s a tired rumor that has been circulating the internet for well over a year now and, thanks to Hammer, it won’t be slowing down anytime soon. Does Hammer actually believe it to be true? God, we certainly hope so.

Hammer even goes so far as to “baptize” Jay-Z at the end of the video. Good thing he’s an ordained minister!

Didn’t Hammer Already Make the Same Jokes About Himself?

Look, you can’t go getting all uptight when someone makes a joke about your bankruptcy if you’re out there doing the same thing. Nowadays, Hammer is pretty touchy about the ordeal apparently, but remember that Super Bowl commercial a few years ago? Right, the one where Hammer showed up in a Cash 4 Gold scam commercial selling a pair of his trademark clown pants. It was pretty adorable and charming how he was able to make light of his past difficulties, which makes it all the more sad that he’s being such a sourpuss now. Let Jay-Z make his jokes, you big baby.

Check out Hammer’s Jay-Z diss video “Better Run Run” below and see if you come away from it as confused as we did.