SOMETHING’S WRONG IN HOLLYWOOD. There’s some extra cog in the machine that keeps things running on a level just above normalcy. It’s what fuels the tabloids and makes almost every celeb move seem outlandish, ill-timed or ill-advised. It causes smart people to do dumb things while the whole world watches and quite frankly, it’s gone on for too long. Too many things have gone unexplained, happened without rhyme or reason, but no longer. TSJ’s Lost in the ‘Wood has set forth on a mission to find meaning in the otherwise inexplicable decisions of those caught in the limelight and we’re starting with serial philanderers who cheat on their gorgeous wives with ugly nobodies.
This has become an all too common occurrence. Poor slobs like us want to sleep with your wife, so why don’t you? Let’s start with the most recent.
Perpetrator: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Victim: Maria Shriver
Partner in Crime: This lady
The Governator wasn’t the first person to fall victim to this sort of tom-foolery; Ethan Hawke committed a similar act, with a similarly ugly nanny while he was married to Uma Thurman. The “ugly nanny” syndrome is one born out of sheer boredom and convenience; while their attractive, successful wives are out doing attractive successful things, these action heroes are at home deciding whether to masturbate or seduce the hired help. Oddly enough, both chose the latter and both ended up with children (Hawke married his mistake.)
Conclusion: Like most men thinking with their dicks, there was no foresight here – what was in front of them was better than what was not.
But there is a big difference in wanting to sex what is in your line of sight and wanting to sex everything in sight…
Perpetrator: Tiger Woods
Victim: Elin Nordegren, PGA ratings
Partner in Crime: Half the waitresses/porn stars in America
First of all, Elin Nordegren is a smoking babe. Tiger Woods really dropped the ball here when he decided to drop his pants for anything with a pulse. His thinking was ‘I can, so I will’ and it’s an amazing feat in itself that it carried on for so long without something coming to surface. What we can conclude is enough people got paid enough money to keep quiet but Tiger lost everything, including is sponsorships, his game and his ridiculously attractive wife (sorry had to link another one).
Conclusion: You can only burn through so many pigs before you lose the farm.
But the above scenarios seem rather pedestrian as far as philandering goes: most guys caught cheating usually fall into ‘it was there, so I did it’ category. Celebrity cheating gets a little more complex once we dig a little deeper
Perpetrator: Hugh Grant
Victim: Elizabeth Hurley
Call girl by the name of Divine Brown
When you deconstruct this scenario, what you come up with is that Hugh Grant paid to not have sex with Elizabeth Hurley. Not only that but he paid her. The only thing we can really write this off as is an act of novelty; Divine Brown is a famous celebrity prostitute (what!?) so who wouldn’t want to fork over several hundred dollars to get an STI a blowjob.
Conclusion: If novelty was what he was after, Grant could have saved himself a lot of time and money by fucking Elizabeth Hurley with a party hat on.
We can all understand paying for sex (our writing staff are court ordered to not be within 200 yards of any playmate) but it becomes harder to rationalize when it crosses genders – literally.
Perpetrator: Eddie Murphy
Victim: Nicole Mitchell
Partner in Crime: Transvestite hooker Atisone Kenneth Seiuli
Murphy and Mitchell separated in 2006 citing “irreconcilable differences,” and we’re willing to bet it had a lot to do with Murphy combing areas well-known for male prostitution and picking up the only ‘non-male’ in the place. There’s no evidence it ever went anywhere (Murphy was pulled over by police only a few minutes later) but no one in the history of infidelity has ever bought the excuse “I was just giving this pay-by-hour transvestite sex worker a ride home.”
Conclusion: If Hugh Grant was novelty, this might have been curiosity, but then what was this…
Perpetrator: Joel Monaghan
Victim: Society at large
Partner in Crime: A dog
Australian Rugby star Joel Monaghan really takes the cake as far as inexplicable cheating goes. We have no idea whether his girlfriend was a babe, but as far as cheating on her with a dog, this is pretty much as literal as it gets. It seems that if you were into this you’d do it at home, alone, with no witnesses and no camera, but Monaghan went the opposite way, having at least two other people in the room, capturing it on film and then letting it fall into the Twittersphere. All things being equal though, we think the dog could have done better.
Final Conclusions: Cheating on your famous and attractive wife seems unimaginable to all of us who don’t have famous or attractive wives, but the reason for all the downgrading seems to always come back to boredom. Be it a transvestite, a dog or everybody on the first page of pornhub, all these cheaters are drawn to infidelity out of sheer boredom. So while they’re busy losing their estates and their wives and you’re busy wanting to have their estates and wives, just remember: If you aren’t dating the most attractive woman on the planet, you can’t lose her when you fuck a dog.