Jaime Moyer vs. Jose Canseco, Sort Of

MAN CRUSH OF THE WEEK: JAMIE MOYER

Admittedly, considering a 49-year-old guy a Man Crush just feels a little icky. But Jamie Moyer is on the verge of making the Colorado Rockies despite the fact that I throw harder than him. He gives everyone that thought that, ‘hey, maybe I can play in the big leagues’ despite the fact you couldn’t.

And that makes him so perfect. Jamie Moyer is the American dream. In an age where things like ‘beauty,’ ‘age,’ and ‘talent’ are so highly valued, he stands (with a walker) in complete defiance of how the world works today. For every athlete who cares only about the money or is LeBron James, Jamie Moyer is a hero. He could be my dad. And instead of calling it career (and a solid one at that) he missed all of last season to have Tommy John surgery and – without a roster spot – come back for another year.

This isn’t like Brett Favre coming back because he loves various parts of himself so much. He just wants to play baseball. I mean, he’s been in the Majors the entire time I can remember watching sports. He’s a national treasure (and technically he’s older than say, Slovenia).

A lot of the players I grew up rooting for are retired. I never really loved Jamie Moyer or anything. But I will be rooting so hard for him this year.

But he’s like the Helen Keller of baseball (coincidentally, his prom date), where it just doesn’t seem possible for him to succeed. Yet he does, 68 MPH at a time.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK: JOSE CANSECO

As far as douchey weeks go, this was one of the least. In fact, people kept doing nice things. Jeremy Lin took the guy who wrote the ‘Chink in the Armor’ headline out to lunch. Magic Johnson saved (aided? Don’t tell me it’s too soon) the Dodgers by paying the amount of multiple lottery winnings for them. Tim Tebow probably did a bunch of nice Tebowy things. And only one former first overall draft pick ran over a dude’s head.

Which is why this week the Douchebag of the Week goes to Jose Canseco, who should have the award named after his name. Canseco is one of the douchiest people ever. But he makes it work for him. He makes being a douche into a good thing. I mean, really wouldn’t everyone want to drive with jet fuel and bang Madonna (like a long time ago)? He’s more responsible for the steroid issue getting attention than anyone else, so he is no stranger to pressing issues so when he took to the Twitter machine to talk about global warming, ridiculousness ensued, topped off with the greatest series of tweets in the history of ever, where he kills Al Gore and greatest the best catchphrase ever in ‘hug for u.’ He even spawned a fake Twitter account. I love this almost as much as Jose Conseco hates syntax.

The thing about Canseco is he is actually a crazy person. Or the smartest man in the world? No idea. But one thing is for sure, he’s amazing in every sense of the word. My new life goal is to spend a day with Jose. I can’t imagine what would happen and probably shouldn’t even try. But seriously, can we make this happen? Please?

Somehow he made Douchebag of the Week into a good thing. And Jose, if you are reading this and are upset at all, don’t worry. I got hugs for u.

 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Man Crush vs. Douchebag: John Elway vs. CJ Wilson
Man Crush vs. Douchebag:  Chad Ochocinco vs. Dwight Howard

Follow Scott Bolohan on Twitter: @scottbolohan

 

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