In Defense of the Crazy Lady Who Humps Doors

So…did you watch it? We’re referring to the above video, of course. It’s less than a minute long, so seriously, you should check it out. It’s not the kind of thing you want us explaining to you. It needs to be seen with your own eyes. So go ahead, watch it now, we’ll wait.

Alright, if you still couldn’t be persuaded, we’ll just tell you what’s happening. The frumpy woman in the grainy black and white security video above is getting her jollies by hanging from the top of a door and grinding on the edge of it. The door handle may have played a role also, but the video quality is such that we can’t tell for sure.

Door HandleSupporting Actor

We know what you’re thinking. What kind of weirdo humps doors on a whim like that? That’s a great question. The woman in the video also doesn’t do herself any favors by kicking things off with an excessive ass crack undergarment adjustment (and did she sniff her fingers after that?) or by rocking those unsightly mom jeans.

But all of that is atoned for and promptly forgotten approximately 15 seconds into the video. Sure, the moment she actually mounts the door like some kind of sex crazed carpenter monkey is a little off putting at first, but give it a few seconds. Let what’s taking place really sink in. Any chick can lay on her back with a shower head or some shit, but this lady? She’s on some Jackie Chan with her masturbatory technique.

This is like being attacked in a dark alley and fighting off your enemies with a coffee can you found behind a dumpster. Except the enemies in this case are an intense desire to pleasure yourself on the fly and the coffee can is the door you’ve decided to deflower. Or whatever, you get the idea. What we’re saying is we applaud her ability to think on her feet and solve a problem, not to mention her ability to hang from a door and writhe around like it’s a stripper pole.

If you’re laughing at this woman, it’s just to mask your new found shame over the humdrum shambles that is your intimate self relations life. Bravo, crazy door humping lady, bravo indeed.

(via Buzzfeed)