If it Ain’t Illegal in Arizona, it Ain’t Funny

ARIZONA IS NOT EXACTLY THE HOMELAND OF RATIONAL THOUGHT AND INTELLIGENT DISCOURSE. The folks in Arizona fought against celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Their sheriffs want their citizenry to shoot Mexicans as they cross the border. They vote for John McCain with great regularity and reckless abandon.

And now the legislation currently being pushed in Arizona would legally consider life as existing two weeks before conception. Two weeks! Considering this law, every sexually active man in Arizona would be irresponsible if he wasn’t wearing a condom at all times. And women? Start doubling up your diaphragms.

Arizona’s House Bill 2036 would recognize the beginning of an unborn child’s life to be the first day of the mother’s last menstrual period. This means that when a man is buying a woman a drink at in Phoenix it’s pretty much his first child support payment. In an effort to assist Arizona in becoming the undisputed champion of laws that defy rationale or logic, The Smoking Jacket, always at the forefront of judicial activism, has consulted its own staff of legal experts and come up with 5 new forms of legislation that Arizona should consider.

1. HB 50M: Spermslaughter

If Arizona considers life to exist two weeks prior to a fetus’ parents meeting, getting each other drunk on half-price happy hour cocktails, and having unprotected sex in the washroom at a Dave & Busters, then the next step must be taken to protect life.

HB 50M would consider male ejaculate that is not purposed for procreation to be irresponsibly emitted, and as such a form of homicide. This would include, but not be limited to masturbatory ejaculate, nocturnal emissions, and pulling out because she’s not on the pill. A separate charge for each sperm would be levied, and as the average human ejaculate contains approximately 50 million sperm, if found guilty the perpetrator would receive 1250 years in prison.

2. HB 1828: The Republican Provision

Why dance around it, Arizona? This law would make it illegal to vote for anyone other than the Republican party. Arizona has seemingly decided to eschew all manners of intelligence and personal freedoms, so why not make it official?

If found guilty of voting for a non-Republican, offenders would receive a sentence of no less than 45 days in Mississippi (the only state that rivals Arizona for levels of the ridiculous that would be cut from a South Park script) and a four month probationary period as John McCain’s nanny.

3. HB 834-16: Teen Abortion 

Teenagers are intolerable. They are needy, rude, malodorous miscreants who are nothing but a drain on parents.

So when a teen’s around 16 years old, parents should legally be allowed to reconsider their youthful indiscretions and poor choices. HB 834-16 would permit parents a one week grace period during which they can have their teenager aborted. From 834 weeks to 835 weeks of age, Arizona parents would be legally permitted to have late- late- late- late-term abortions.

Think of the savings on college and car insurance.

4. HB 69-8-3: Loveless Intercourse

Sex should be about procreation, about bringing life into an already overpopulated and cynical world, to populate the planet with as many Christian children as possible so that everybody can star in a TV series on TLC.

Arizona House Bill 69-8-3 would make it illegal to have intercourse for any other intention other than making Christian babies. Sentencing will depend on the gravity of the offence.

Drunken one-night stand with your best friend’s partner while enrolled in a liberal college: 5 years. Intercourse with your partner, just for pleasure when not thinking about country or God at all: 10 years. Sloppy, earth-shattering, multiple partner fornication: Death by stoning. Sex between a male government official who is at least 55 years old, overweight, best described as creepy or Newt Gingrich-like and a barely legal intern: Prominent political role within the Republican party.

5. HB JC0001: The White Bill

Let’s face it. The issue isn’t pro-choice advocates, or Democrats, or ejaculation. The problem is that some people in Arizona choose not to be white, straight, God-fearing Christians. And this has become a problem. HB JC0001 would prohibit the existence of Arizona residents who are non-white, or gay, or non-Christian. In order to prove your white Christian straightness, a test will be assembled by state legislators that will include questions like: What is your favourite Glen Campbell album, Why do you enjoy NCIS so darned much, and Why is Jay Leno the funniest man who ahs ever lived?

If found to be not white, or gay, or non-Christian, the sentence would be up to 10 years in prison. If found to be all three, the guilty will simply be sent to live in Canada.

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Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 Quebec Writers’ Federation A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).

Illustration by Lasse Mathiesen Køhlert. Check out the Danish artist’s work here and here.

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