It’s voting season, which means a vast majority of us are about to feel really bad about not knowing anything about any of the candidates or amendments on the ballot. We’ll get in the voting booth and feel the same way we felt back in high school after we wandered in still a little high from the night before only to discover that we totally didn’t study for the big math test and everything looks like it’s written in an alien language. We’ll panic, then we’ll be filled with shame, swearing the mighty founding fathers themselves that next election cycle will be different. Next time we’ll do our homework.
But that’s next time. We’re talking about now time. The mid-term elections are rapidly approaching, and you still have no idea who anyone on the ballot is. Well, we have a quick fix for you. When you don’t know a thing about the people on the ballot, you can always vote like a frivolous idiot. The frivolous idiot cares not for values, ideas, character, or intelligence. No, the frivolous idiot the pulls the lever based on qualities that most people apply to animals when searching for a pet, or when deciding on what couch would look good in the living room.
Cast Your Vote Based on Looks
The days of fat, bearded politicians named Wilbur have passed. Nowadays, our politicians need to be fit, trim and most of all, have a face that can be slapped on the cover of Tiger Beat: Congressional Edition (the issue with the foldout poster of Mitt Romney’s chin). If you’re trying to decide which politician to vote for but you don’t want to deal with all of that political nonsense filling your brain, maybe consider running a quick Google Image search for each candidate. Once you find a clear picture of everyone’s face, it’s time to make the kind of choice that will set the graves of Washington, Adams and Jefferson on permanent spin. You’re going to have to decide who is the prettiest. More specifically, which candidate has a face that would look best on money and/or on the torso of a G.I. Joe.
It’s a proven fact that half of a person’s leadership power is based off of physical appearance according to a study that probably isn’t real because we just made it up. That tactic, by the way, is something you’re going to have to get used if you want to vote like a frivolous idiot – employing the usage of unresearchable bullshit to rationalize your laziness to yourself.
Who’s Got the Better Name?
Barack Obama has a catchy name. It’s festive. It’s fun to say. It’s almost lyrical. Do you know who doesn’t have a lyrical name? Butch Otter, the governor of Idaho. Lesbian sea mammals do not make for marketable names. Do you know what does? Dick Armey. Who is he? What does he do? Does he do politics well? Nobody knows. What we do know is that his name evokes the image of an imposing, unstoppable, highly trained and highly dangerous battalion of penises marching in unison down your country’s town square, shortly after having planted their penis-adorned flag on your capital building.
So look down the list of candidates. Look at their names. What images do the words that make up the name evoke? Is there a Punch Babyton? A Missile Knifeface? How about something simpler, more grounded in reality, like Dick Swett, who is a real person whose parents were probably the kind of people that are fun to hang with, even if they are a little dickish.
Can You Imagine Them As A Superhero?
Obama was compared to Superman by people who are big fans of setting their expectations so high that they would be liquefied if they fell from them. But there is a kind of weird logic behind imagining a politician as a superhero: Both can save lives. Both have personal lives wrought with scandal and drama. Both probably touch their sidekicks inappropriately (or, in the case of politicians, congressional aides). So the parallels can certainly be found.
But can you also imagine this person, the candidate, soaring through the air, possibly punching large robots in the face? Can you see them getting pummeled by large alien creatures that have jagged crystals poking through their flesh? Can you see them having to make a really tough choice when a ruthless dictator (or member of congress that strongly disagrees with him/her) gives the hero an impossible ultimatum: “balance the budget…or save your wife that is being lowered in to a pit of rabid lobbyists! Choose!”?
If Candidate A seems like he’d look terrible in spandex, but Candidate B looks like he’d totally have some rockin’ cod piece action going on in those undies outside his pants, then, as a frivolous idiot, you’re gonna want to go with the cod rocker.
These are all slogans that capture attention, acting as battle cries for the millions that are hoping, praying for some substantial and lasting change. Slogans usually follow the Twitter rule of thumb when it comes to political debate, which is: the shorter, the dumber, and the less informative about a person’s policies, the greater the chance of getting it slapped on the back of millions of cars by way of bumper stickers.
It’s tough to figure out what makes a good catchphrase, but it’s easy to point out what makes a bad one, for instance, in 1860, Abraham Lincoln actually ran for president using this slogan: “Vote Yourself a Farm.” I’m pretty certain this slogan was the product of the world’s first steam powered slogan generating wondermajig. All one had to do was toss in a few buzz words – like vote, you, and farm – turn a crank, shovel in some coal, release the steam valve, and presto! Out came that shit!
Fast forward to 1864, and Lincoln’s reelection campaign slogan: “Don’t swap horses in the middle of the stream.” Perfect. Vote for that man. He’s a horse. You don’t want to be responsible for your own drowning if you go with another horse. And what if that new horse isn’t as awesome a horse as Abe was? What if when you try to get on this new horse it kicks you in the face and urinates on you with its large horse genitalia? It’ll only be your fault, not Abe’s — you’re the one that wanted large horse junk to spray horse whizz on your eyes. It could have all been prevented had you been smart and voted for the horse candidate that had a strict anti-eye pissing stance.
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