Perhaps you’ve heard that Laurence Fishburne, the man who introduced Neo to the Matrix, has been having some family trouble of late. Fishburne’s daughter Montana, fed by a keen admiration for the many accomplishments of Kim Kardashian released a sex tape of her very own this week.
We can imagine that Fishburne isn’t feeling especially proud at the moment, but we also have to admit to feeling just a little disappointed. It’s not that Montana, or Chippy D as she is occasionally known, isn’t an attractive woman, but there are so many more celebrity spawn whose sex tapes we’d rather see. Check out who made our short list.
Amber LeBon (daughter of Simon LeBon, of Duran Duran)
Her name is Amber and she dances on Flip cam. The leggy daughter of 1980s fixture Simon LeBon may lack the far-gone hairdo’s and insane stylings of Duran Duran, but there’s nothing about Amber that makes us want to go retro. Amber has already begun a modeling career, so we know she’s comfortable in front of the camera. And for a little background music—how about Girls on Film?
Meghan McCain (daughter of John McCain)
She’s a curvy, perky blonde who has also proven herself an able cinematographer while covering the ’08 presidential elections… So forgive our filthy minds for envisioning this whip-smart woman dishing on Sarah Palin, updating her Twitter feed, and talking to her publicist whilst she insists on framing the opening shot of her sex-tape shot to include the image of a Republican party elephant.
Zelda Williams (daughter of Robin Williams)
Sure, if she’s anything like her father, Zelda will regularly interrupt the sex tape (and the sex) so that she can riff about those funny plastic things at the end of shoelaces. But if she’s even a tenth as talented as her father, the material is worth recording.
Our only real hesitation? Her father is easily the hairiest man in Hollywood. Hell, he could walk on the set of Planet of the Apes without a second in wardrobe. And as much as we love a girl whose pubes resemble a pair of shorts, a woman whose back hair requires us to adjust the white balance might just be a deal breaker.
Zoe Kravitz (daughter of Lenny Kravitz)
In the spirit of her father’s 1970s nostalgia, we imagine Zoe’s sex tape to be filmed on a Super-8 camera, with dim lighting, and a murky, bass-heavy soundtrack. And if Zoe can move even half as well as her father, we’ll take all the tech limitations in the world.
Bryce Dallas Howard (daughter of Ron Howard)
It’s hard to believe that the equally ginger offspring of Opie doesn’t speak in a pre-pubescent squeak or embody all the edginess of a Norman Rockwell painting, but somehow Bryce was spared her father’s nerd nucleotides and has grown into a stone-cold fox. Think of a younger Nicole Kidman before all the botox went to her brain. Her sex tape might feature a few too many indie-film angles and some aggressively—near Godardian—lighting but still, it would be impossible to hide that fiery beauty for very long.
Daisy Lowe (daughter of Gavin Rossdale, of Bush)
Does Gavin Rossdale count as a celebrity anymore? We’re more than happy to let Mr. Gwen Stefani slide this time, as it means we get to include his very steamy, incredibly sexy love-child Daisy Lowe. Lowe is a British model with the kind of bedroom eyes that could make a man go knock-kneed, or at the very least pretend to be a fan of Gavin Rossdale. Daisy has also proven to be perfectly amenable to taking it all off in the past, perhaps it’s all just a matter of time…
Clementine Ford (daughter of Cybil Shephard)
This awe-inspiring offspring of Cybil Shephard is best-known for her role on Showtime’s The L Word. And indeed, her presumptive sex tape should come with the caveat that Clementine’s tastes run toward the Sapphic, i.e. Clem prefers the company of women. But isn’t it about time we saw a gay celebrity sex tape? So we say, Ms. Ford, knock down these walls. Become a trail-blazer. Make a sex tape already.