Guys have no excuse for not knowing how to shore up a woman. The immediate world around them is chock full of good sources of advice: friends, relatives, homeless boxcar drifters who spin yarns about the “gawldarn’n’flabby worthless harpy” who forced them to spend their life on the rails.
The worst source, even worse than ol’ Boxcar Stinky, is the movies. Everyone with a working set of eyes and nerves knows that the stories are inflated to make it seem as though the homely guy with the neck brace and face goiter can win the heart of the cute high school cheerleader. It doesn’t matter if it’s “based on a true story” either. Chances are that the true history will show that Lincoln DIDN’T win the heart of his his beloved by building a log cabin rocket ship that took him to the moon where he inscribed his phone number on it in a modest attempt to woo her.
Just look at some of the rotten ideas for meeting members of the fairer sex that the movies are putting in the heads of lonely, desperate men who somehow have enough time on their hands to actually watch every movie they order from Netflix.
Fight Off a Horde of the Undead
When the zombies come (and trust me, they will, my mother wouldn’t lie to me), you have to be prepared. You have to stock up on essential supplies. You have to learn how to barricade your domicile with materials OTHER than plastic sheeting and duct tape. You also have to be willing to do some unsavory and violent things in the name of survival. If you followed the advice of a theater near you, you’d be a pulled pork dish for the zombie hottie you failed to identify as you tried to hit on her with a warm compliment instead of the heaviest thing you could find.
Every woman wants a hero, someone who will stand up for them and fight the good fight. However, if the thing you’re fighting to impress her is zombies, you better clear your schedule for the week. Zombies ALWAYS follow the “bros before ho’s” mantra, and if one guy messes with their bud who was just trying to gnaw a hole out of some girl’s face, the rest of them will come to his or her aid and fight you until you’re just another bloody pile of leftovers. Zombies are the social equivalent of girlfriend cockblockers with less biting.
Build One from Scratch
Guys aren’t very handy these days. Who can blame us? We’re obsolete in the eyes of science. Advancements in technology and electronics and gender equality have made it easier to do the things women needed us to do like tech support, appointment-free neck massager and “bed warmer,” particularly under the sheets (if you didn’t realize that I was referring to electric blankets, please go to the nearest bathroom and wash your brain out with soap, sicko).
This lack of hands-on experience would make building an actual woman not only nearly impossible, but wrought with thousands of unforeseen pitfalls. She would need all of the complex emotions that make women so interesting and intoxicating coupled with the drives that make them so unpredictable. Give too much of one and not enough of the other and you’ve got more problems on your hands than a four-fingered shop teacher. Even if your average lonely schmoe managed to build one, she would be the quality equivalent of an IKEA Aspelund but she wouldn’t be defective enough not to know how to use the hint of possible sex to trick you into picking up the check.
Become a Drug Smuggling Kingpin
Just like all things in life, drugs are never the answer unless, of course, the question is “How can we liven up this Dungeons and Dragons party?” or “Is there a way to make watching SpongeBob SquarePants with my little one a little less painful?”
The payoff might be high in the romance department, but the inevitable fall from grace is a killer. The U.S. might be winning the War on Drugs in the same way that a Special Olympics competitor wins the big race (the CIA’s cheer pom-poms are in the mail as we speak), but that doesn’t erase the risk. The guy at the top of the drug ring has nowhere to go but down whether it’s at the hands of a law enforcement sting or the barrel of a rival cartel’s gun and giving your trophy girl access to an bottomless supply of cocaine will just turn her into an empty shell of a person, both emotionally and physically. Even if you try to get rid of her, the best you could get for her organs is $1.50 a pound from the local Jack-in-the-Box.
“Be yourself” isn’t just the most overused movie morale of all time. It also happens to be true. Women can sense when a man is trying to overcompensate his personality or physical esteem by coming on too strongly, laughing too hard at every joke or driving an expensive car that couldn’t be more obvious if it had “TINY KNOB” vanity plates.
The opposite is also true, being yourself in a more attractive, successful or famous body. If men possessed the ability to jump into other beings like they were so many unwashed socks, the deadly female intuition would eventually pick up on it and ruin the whole deal. Actually, that’s not true. Guys would just jump into Angelina Jolie and let their career wither away as they played with their luscious Hollywood breasts all day.
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