HOW’S YOUR LIFE IN THE BOUDOIR? Bawdy? Bold? Boring? String-cheesy?
Like many of you, Headshots’ access to all forms of porn has fostered a surprisingly disappointing and often confused sex life. Our most recent sexual partners have been either hesitant to be derivative of our collection of fetish videos, or alternately have demanded things of us we are unwilling to do and can not illustrate nor repeat on a SFW site. Hell, NSFW sites might find it morally unacceptable, or illegal if you live in Vermont or own livestock.
So now what? What is the next step of an ongoing sexual revolution? We live in a post-monogamy reality, one that openly challenges our traditional notions of love and sex. Does a more openly sexual lifestyle naturally lend itself to a more diverse and rewarding love life? Can it be called a love life? Is the female orgasm still something that only happens in movies or by mistake when you put your you know what in her you know where when you meant to put it in her what-what and now it’s the only thing she likes?
These are all good questions. As is this one: How do we maintain sexual excitement when sex is such a prevalent force in our lives, desensitizing us from what once tawdry and forbidden?
So as we fumble in the dark for answers and condoms, Headshots humbly suggests we get a little sideways. We are proposing a shift into the strange. Not strange like some girl you just met at the pharmacy, and not strange like furries or feet or S&M, but rather a strange that will take us as a generation to the next step of sexual liberty and reinvigorate the bedrooms of America. Dr. Hunter S. Thompson wrote that when “the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” So let’s go pro, and get our weird on in the bedroom.
1. Zombie Sex Toys
A revolutionary company, Fleshlight, has done what at first seems like an idea born of nightmares, but upon careful consideration is obviously born of genius. They’ve brought the zombie revolution into the bedroom, with zombie themed dildos, pocket pussies, and other sexual toys. The zombie genre has made its way to the forefront of pop culture. It exploits our fears and at its best frightens and confuses to the verge of tears. Sounds like sex to me! Walking Dead? How bout f**king the rotting undead! Hello multiple orgasms!
2. Spray Cheese
In conversation with the Headshots interns as soon as we decided to include zombie dildos, it seemed natural to them to involve spray cheese. The interns are sexually liberated millenials who think monogamy is either a tropical hardwood or a particularly horrific strain of an STD, so we trust their opinions on sex without question. Well, sometimes we have questions but that’s ‘cause they do stuff we’ve never heard of. (REVERSE cowboy? Whaaaaaaaaat?) While food in the bedroom has been around since Jesus suckled goat’s milk out of Mary Magdalene’s belly button, spray cheese has been suspiciously out of the conversation. But its vessel lends itself to playfulness, and it’s a healthy alternative to whipped cream or chocolate underwear. And what isn’t better with cheese?
From June of 2008 to September of 2012, Headshots did not once have sexual relations while sober. Of course, during that period we also never went to a job interview sober, celebrated a Christian holiday sober, or purchased a eastern blue-tongued lizard, dressed it up as Liza Minnelli, and put on a re-imagination of Cabaret in the alley behind Applebees sober. But drunk sex is liberating. It frees us of the shackles of humility. It encourages creativity. And while we still enjoy strange lovin’ after a half bottle of Jack and six pack of Pabst, sober intercourse is way of freeing ourselves from freeing ourselves. Trust us, it gets weird. It’s meta. It’s like putting sex in a power suit and having it do your taxes.
4. Smurf Sex
This is not to be confused with the aforementioned furries, whose hairy fetish is as tired as the act itself makes you. (Seriously, put on a 300 lb moose costume and love up on a lady. You’ll need to bathe in A5-35 and epsom salt for a week.) Instead, this takes something beloved from your childhood, and using it to weird up your mundane adulthood. Grab some blue dye and cotton balls, and get at it! Smurf sex! It’s just fun to say. Plus the bonus: In Spanish, Smurfs are Los Pitufos, which is also fun to say. “C’mon, baby, who’s your Pitufos?” But don’t get caught in the trope of Smurfette and Hefty. Mix it up a bit. Who wants to be Gargamel?
5. Smartphone Sexfare
We love our phones. We take pictures and videos and post them nearly in real time. And the notion of taking sexy pics and vids and posting them online is not new. But what Headshots is proposing, and what we expect to be the next great trend in constantly evolving sexual exploration is to make a game out of it. We’ll need to design a glove of sorts that affixes the smartphone to your hand of choice. Then throughout your sexual experience, you live tweet and/or Facebook post, or Tumbl, or pin, and points are given out for various feats, exploits, exposures, and accomplishments. For example, 10 points for making your partner scream out your name, 40 points for tweeting something funny about hockey or Katie Holmes mid-orgasm, 150 points for making your partner come while reciting Ecclesiastes in Latin. Points will only be given once posted on a social media platform (not myspace). Video receives more points than photos, for obvious reasons. Headshots interns are designing an app to simplify the process. It’s gonna be a thing.
Trust us, these 5 initiatives will either revitalize your sex life, or kill you. Especially the spray cheese. What is in that stuff to make it oh so good? Investors interested in getting in on the ground floor of Smartphone Sexfare, feel free to contact me on Twitter @mdspry.
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