THIS PAST SATURDAY, poseurs and potheads the world over celebrated 4/20, a counterculture “holiday” of sorts that recognizes pot and all the days it has slowed down while increasing cupcake sales. Large celebrations were held on Parliament Hill in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, San Francisco, Montreal, Auckland, and my cousin Zev’s basement. Celebrants smoked large marijuana cigarette’s at the stroke of 4:20 pm with friends and family, then hit up Walmart for Doritos and cake batter, then retired to rec rooms to play PS3 and giggle at sunshine.
While Headshots does not endorse substance abuse, we have been known to celebrate the holiday on years where schedules are amenable. This year one of the Headshots interns hosted a fête where we indulged in the savory treats of the season and then got naked and watched the Star Wars Trilogy. Headshots put on at least fifteen pounds and pulled a muscle while mimicking light saber battles, but all in all in was a wonderful Saturday.
But why must this kind of cheezies, pizza delivery, and George Lucas goodness only be recognized once a year? Aren’t there other holidays we can have to celebrate other forms of quiet and safe inebriation? Headshots suggests five more holidays where we can get our stupid on.
1. Jägerbomb Day
Jägerbombs aren’t just for frat boys and their future ex-wives anymore. Hells, no! The cocktail of choice for shutout Four Loco enthusiasts and dudes in a perpetual state of Cancun spring break needs to be celebrated for the illegitimate children, bad decisions, and broken relationships it has fostered. Made from secret 56 herbs the Germans won’t divulge, Headshots suggests that on the 56th day of the year, February 25th, we drop shot glasses and chug a vile concoctions until everything seems like a good idea. Antlers will be sold as attire. Red Bull will be the official sponsor. Public urination will rule!
2. Jack Daniels Day
Headshots loves Jack. Loves Jack. It’s at once a breakfast cocktail, a sophisticated aperitif, and paint thinner. And the logo makes for a boss T-shirt. But why no celebration of America’s foremost non-Bud alcohol? Pot gets it’s day, but not your Uncle JD? Bullshit. From this moment henceforth Old No. 7 will be celebrated on June 7. The seventh day of the seventh month. Also, in 1907, due to failing health, Daniels gave the distillery to his nephew. I wonder what led to his illness? Either way, we’ll meet you in Tennessee for some shots and Jack Daniels-inspired culinary delights this June.
3. Ambien Night
Why not a night-fête for prescription medication’s favourite dangerous sleep aid? Zolpidem, better known to us as Ambien, Ambien CR, Intermezzo, Stilnox, or Sublinox, is known to cause night sleepwalking and night rage, while carrying with it more adverse side affects than my second ex-wife. This drug represents the greed and failure of Big Pharma more than any other, so like good Americans let’s celebrate our giant capitalist failure! At night! Without any memory of the good times the next day!
4. HST Day
Let’s call this is a catchall. Dr. Hunter S. Thompson was a pioneer of gonzo journalism, a form where he inserted himself into the narrative of the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, and beyond, revolutionizing the medium and doing so while sideways on more cocktails than my grandmother on Arbor Day, with a briefcase of pharmaceuticals, and usually well-armed. February 20th, the day of his unfortunate death, we shall fill our satchels with goodies procured in a mad rage the night before, arm ourselves, pour some stiff adult beverages, put on a Hawaiian shirt, and head out into the world, ready for anything, tape recorders taped to our chests to capture the chaos for posterity. They’ll be a parade. Johnny Depp will marshal. Weird stuff will happen. And the Doc loved weird.
5. Cleanse Long Weekend
Headshots loves you, and we want you to live a long, happy, slightly off-kilter life. There’s no way you can celebrate these holidays and survive unless you’re a 20 year-old, and holidays are for everyone. Headshots suggests a weekend celebration of cleansing, of renewal. We suggest making this cleanse the first weekend after St. Patrick’s Day for obvious reasons, and because it will fall on the precipice of spring, a time when everything is burgeoning new. This celebration will involve cleanse diets, sweating out toxins like Amanda Bynes in sweat lodge, abstaining from alcohol, drugs, high cholesterol foods, and engaging in copious amounts of sloppy (safe) intercourse. That’s right. next March, you’re gonna lockdown, lock in, get sweating, get it on, and clean it out.
These are just sketches of the Headshots holidays. What most important here is the marketing opportunities to make these worldwide, profitable events. To get in on the ground floor, please contact Headshots via TSJ immediately. And remember, Jack Daniels Day is right around the corner. Get that liver limber!
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