Sad news for the technology world came down from on high yesterday when Google announced they were sticking a fork in the much hyped and rarely used Google Wave. Wait, that’s not right. News nobody cared about, that’s what it was. We sometimes confuse apathy for sadness.
But it wasn’t always that way. Back when Wave was announced, we were on the verge of employing a team of Russian cyber criminals to get us one of those elusive invites to try it out. But then we got that invite (the legal way), used Wave for about 45 seconds and then returned to just using email and IM like normal people. We just assumed that some day we’d get around to figuring out a use for it.
But now, Wave is dead. Our chance to make nice and join the communication revolution has come and gone and we’re left to wonder what could have been. Here are four things we wish we would have asked Google Wave before it moved on to that operating system in the sky.
4Was The Real Time Typing Necessary?
Seriously, what was the f*cking point of that? When has seeing what someone was typing as they were typing it ever been of any benefit to anyone? If some girl decides to dump us via instant message and starts to tell us it’s because she’s creeped out by our luxurious back hair but then changes her mind and says it’s because she’s moving out of state, we’re just fine with not knowing the truth. That lie stings a whole lot less. But Google Wave made those little white lies impossible, and as we all know, lies are the solid foundation upon which any good relationship is built.
3Just How Busy Did You Think We Were?
Dragging and dropping files from the desktop into a conversation? Why? We’re not Jack Bauer imploring Chloe O’Brien to send schematics to our Nextel phone while we make the 30 second drive across the state of California to fend off a nuclear apocalypse. We’ve got at least a little time to spare. Sure, we’re sometimes under the gun to get an article posted by deadline, but it’s never serious enough that the approximate three second lag time between sending and receiving an email with an attachment is going to bring the site crashing to its knees. And besides, who keeps files on their desktop anyway? How would we see our cute kitty wallpaper through all those icons?
2Replay Our Conversation? No Thanks!
Another highly touted feature of Google Wave was the ability to playback the history of changes that were made during a conversation or “wave.” Great, now tell us how this is different from just scrolling through an email. If we want to know just how deplorable that drunken message we sent to our ex at three in the morning was, we’ll just check our phone or sent mail box. Seeing it re-keyed by some kind of all-knowing Google memory feature would just drive home even harder the sad fact that we can’t undo our unfortunate decision to use the phrase “disingenuous harlot” in a text message. Who did we think was sending that text, Shakespeare?
1What the Hell Were You?
That’s the most important question, the one we’ll never have an answer for. What the hell were you, Google Wave? Were you an email client? Were you instant messaging? Were you both? Isn’t Gmail kind of both already? Can we complete this paragraph using nothing but questions? No, we can’t, that would be ridiculous. If you want to see something end with a question mark, go re-watch the Sopranos finale.
Goodbye, Google Wave. We’ll miss you. Possibly.