If angels cried, their tears would be made of gravy. This delicious liquid is truly the unsung hero of Thanksgiving; saving dry turkeys and boring potatoes since the Pilgrims first broke bread with Willie Mays Hayes and the rest of The Indians. Gravy is defined as “a sauce made naturally from meat or vegetables during the cooking process,” but “a flowing nectar of the gods that makes everything it comes in contact with much much better” is a far more accurate description of the magic that is gravy.
This time of year, as gravy boats are overflowing with the liquid gold, remember that it’s not just [jive] turkeys that should be giving thanks for all the good that gravy does. Here are some other foods that have happily jumped on the gravy Gravy Train.
It’s hard to improve on something as perfect as the fluffy hockey puck known as the biscuit. However, at some point in history, a clumsy hillbilly spilled some gravy on a biscuit and just like that…The Cracker Barrel was born. “Breakfast Gravy” is the evil stepbrother of the traditional brown stuff. It reminds us that “the most important meal of the day” can also be the most caloric one. But, if you are counting calories at a meal that gives us such wonderful treats as bacon, sausage and pancakes, then you probably aren’t reading this article anyway. Although you can pretty much put anything on a biscuit (butter, jelly, etc.), gravy is truly the best part of waking up (sorry Folgers).
Ketchup has had a pretty sweet run as the undisputed french fry topper of the world. But gravy fries are just plain better (and they didn’t sell out and buy a football stadium in Pittsburgh). Gravy has done for fries what hookers have done for Charlie Sheen: they were fine the way they were, but unpredictably amazing when mixed together. The Canadians even take it a step further by adding cheese into the mix. It’s not the healthiest idea, but at least it’s just cheese and not cocaine or something. Charlie Sheen could learn a lesson from those crazy Canucks.
If I spent my whole day sniffing ass and drinking from the shitter, I probably wouldn’t be a picky eater either, but its nice to know that the option is there. At some point everyone has watched that slow motion gravy pour onto some kibble and thought “that looks so much better than the Hot Pocket I am eating right now.” Others have even gone so far as to taste that gravy coated K-9 feast. It saddens me to know that man’s best friend will never experience the joys of masturbation, seeing in color, or living past the age of 21, but it helps me sleep at night to know that they get to have gravy three times a day (and never have to buy condoms).
No one really goes to IKEA because they need a KRUCCELVICTE or DULPHIEGITTER. But putting together the 10,000 pieces of either of them will work up your appetite. If only you had 99 cents, you too could enjoy a plate of Sweden’s finest, smothered in Swedish gravy. Meatballs are good on subs, great with pasta, and really great to throw in a crowded cafeteria. Add gravy, however, and you’ll be saying “let’s go to IKEA again” faster than your girlfriend. Once again, gravy takes something good, and makes it great.
So this year, when you are sitting around the table with your friends, family and that creepy uncle who can’t take the hint, remember to give thanks for the liquid more priceless than oil and printer ink combined: GRAVY.
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