Five Things I Expect to Learn from My Friendship with The Black Eyed Peas

Black Eyed Peas

Yesterday, in what will assuredly be the high water mark of my social networking life, I was shocked to find the most unlikely of friend requests waiting for me in my inbox. Because words just won’t do it justice, I’ve taken the liberty of posting a screenshot.

MySpace Friend Request

Yeah, that’s right. The Black Eyed Peas, baby. Or BEP, as their close personal friends such as myself call them. Sure, using MySpace is awfully “2000 and late” of them, I haven’t actually logged into MySpace in years, but I’m honored nevertheless.

Hearing that I’ve been befriended by such a high profile group of celebrities probably stirs up a lot of different emotions for you, the readers at home, who remain unnoticed by the pop-rap superstars of our day. Jealousy and feelings of utter worthlessness are to be expected, after all, you’re awesome too, why doesn’t Fergie want to be your friend? Relax, you are awesome, just slightly less so than me.

But don’t worry, I’m not taking my newfound status as MySpace friend to the stars lightly. A situation like this brings with it certain responsibilities. Most importantly, it’s now my responsibility to find answers to all of the questions I’ve ever wanted to ask the Black Eyed Peas.

Now that me and Will.I.Am are best friends, here are five questions I expect to have answered.

So, What Do the Other Two Guys Do For a Living?

Black Eyed PeasThis is one that’s always bothered me. Whenever I watch a Black Eyed Peas video, which is several times per day just like anyone else, I can’t help but wonder what those “other” two members do for a living. I mean, I know they’re technically in the group, but they can’t actually be getting paid for it, right? I’ve done some internet research and found that standing around uselessly while other people do the heavy lifting doesn’t pay nearly enough for a person to make a living. So what do they do on the side? Retail? Fast food? Customer service? Porn? I bet it’s porn. That guy with the pretty, long hair has part time porn star written all over him. Maybe the other dude works the camera or something?

If I’m wrong about the porn thing, just let me know,you have my email address.

Care to Apologize for that Nas Song?

This question is specifically for Will.I.Am, who I assume I’m safe to just call William from here on out.

A few years ago, he had a hand in producing a song by one of my favorite rappers of all time, Nas. I’m not talking about “Hip Hop Is Dead.” He produced that too, and it was the shit. The song I’m wondering about is “Who Killed It”, which you can check out in the above video. Give it a listen. It’s awful. Using the drums from “I Ain’t No Joke” was a nice touch, but shitting all over that song’s good name by rapping in some kind of bizarre 1930′s crime drama voice was far less nice.

As the producer, isn’t it Will.I.Am’s job to step in and say “hey, this song is stupid, how about you just rap like a normal person and see if that works better?” Don’t answer that, I already know, it is your job. And on the day this shitfest of a song was created, you really sucked at your job. I, along with plenty of others, patiently await your sincere apology.

Why So Insensitive?

black eyed peasRemember that “Let’s Get It Started” song? You know, the one that was used in commercials for the NBA Finals awhile back and, subsequently, every other goddamn commercial on Earth for the rest of the year? Well here’s the thing, it’s not actually called “Let’s Get It Started.” The real title is “Let’s Get Retarded”. They had to change the lyrics so the song could be used commercially without offending people.

While it’s certainly thoughtful of them to change the lyrics so the short bussers among us aren’t publicly called out in song, it would have been even more thoughtful to just not use the word “retarded” at all, don’t you think?

So my question for you, Black Eyed Peas, is why use words that hurt? It’s almost 2011, the world has evolved. These days, everybody knows that using hurtful words is, like, the gayest thing you can do.

Hey, Remember When You Were Awesome?

awesomeIf you’re anything like me, you’ve probably spent many a sleepless night wondering if the Black Eyed Peas even realize that there was a time when they were, in fact, kinda awesome. It’s true! Back in the days before Justin Timberlake cameos and adding pop singers to the group, the Black Eyed Peas were just another rap group trying to get in where they fit in. And they were mad decent, to boot!

That’s how this video happened…

See? That shit is not too shabby at all, right? Now that we’re friends, maybe I’ll see if I can talk Will and company into a “back to our roots” record of some sort. But that raises another fairly obvious question…

Seriously, What Are You Going to Do With All That Junk?

FergieA return to their less-commercial-friendly roots by the Black Eyed Peas would almost certainly require them to record an album without the help of my second favorite Fergie of all-time (the top honor goes to former Chicago Cubs pitcher Ferguson “Fergie” Jenkins). So what the hell is she supposed to do while Will and the I-Ams salvage their reputation in the rap community?

I have an idea! Maybe this would be a good time to see if this MySpace friendship is something that should be taken to the next level? I know, you’re married. But come on, we’ve all heard the stories. Strippers don’t lie. You deserve better.

While your fellow Peas are busy reinventing themselves, how about we kick things into high gear? I’m game if you are, Fergie. Let’s get sextarded! I’ll be checking my MySpace inbox for your reply.