So, how desperate is Hollywood for film ideas? How desperate does your definition of desperate get? See how low America’s film industry is about to sink in the next few years below.
Magic 8 Ball
Listen, they haven’t made Trivial Pursuit: The Movie and Jenga Strikes Back for a reason, and that reason is: These are kid’s toys. Nobody’s ass is precariously dangling on the edge of their seat to see how screenwriters can turn 20 vague answers to yes or no questions into a full-blown two-hour script. Most likely this will be a horror flick. Chances Paramount Pictures will order the movie to end with a “reply hazy, try again later” cliffhanger as the murderer bangs at the door, leaving room for a sequel? “It is decidedly so.” (See? It writes itself.)
The E*Trade baby has been haunting our national consciousness since Super Bowl XLII, and he’s continued on his merciless tirade ever since. Now he’s got a movie in the works. Does he deserve it?
History isn’t on his side, considering the fate of the Geico Caveman’s thankfully short-lived sitcom. But here are the facts: In 2007, a talking baby told us to invest our money with E*Trade, and if a talking baby can convince America to throw money at the stock market, what can a talking baby not do? For the love of God, the baby has 3,700 followers on Twitter, where he enlightens us with genius witticisms like “Man, I blew that one! How come no one told me chicks don’t dig it when you suck your thumb on a date? || E*TRADE Securities.”
You get what you want, America. If you want a freakish talking baby to entertain you in theaters and tell you where to invest your money and fake-tweet you, go ahead and listen to that talking baby. And we wonder why they talk so much smack about us in France.
Parkour is the art of doing flips off shit. That is literally all that you do when you Parkour. It’s kind of impressive on YouTube.
So what happens when some suit at New Line Cinema gets a boner after watching 2 Fast 2 Furious and gets the idea to birth his very own Vin Diesel vehicle? He drops Ice Cube, his cheapest B-list rolodex and a French aerobatics team in the middle of New York, gets Eminem to do an exclusive for the soundtrack, and nine months later, voila: out pops Parkour: The Movie. Action-packed chases, on foot! Dudes doing flips off walls! Can you smell the Nike product placement already? It’s that old, familiar scent of sweet, sweet liquid cash.
This country is an amazing place. Generations have risked life and limb for a chance at opportunity in our great nation, because you can do pretty much anything here. Evidence of this fact: Somebody noticed a bunch of numbers are lining up on the calendar next year and pitched–then actually sold, for real money–a movie about it.
This will undoubtedly be a hero-saves-the-world thriller where some sort of bomb or apocalypse goes off at 11:11. Time was, all you needed was Bruce Willis and a screaming chorus from Aerosmith to get jacked up for that. Now we need the plot shoved down our throats with a big, symbolic date to get into it–but we all know nobody’s buying 2012 on DVD. Just because it’s a coincidence doesn’t mean we need to make a movie about it.
Angry Birds is an iPhone game, wherein one hurls cute, animated birds at pigs via slingshot. It’s allegedly more addictive than heroin and one of the top-selling games in iTunes. This is pretty good, for a game about hurling birds at pigs! So let’s make a movie out of it.
Except: No. This is a game where literally two things happen–you shoot birds, then they hit pigs–and as such doesn’t leave much inspiration for trivialities like “plot” and “character development.” You know, those antiquated notions of Old Hollywood. Seriously, you can’t envy the screenwriters assigned to sculpt this game into a film. They’re charged with a Herculean task–injecting action, drama and plot twists into something that, by its very nature, has no plot, action or characters for drama. It’s not like video games haven’t been made into movies before, but iPhone games are not video games–video games have plot and action and, you know, more substance than two actions performed repeatedly. Next thing you know Diner Dash will be a major franchise starring Justin Bieber and Minesweeper will be the hit action flick of Summer 2014.
We’ve come a long way since Casablanca, baby. A long, long way indeed.