If you’re at home right now, sitting on the couch, watching the Professional Bowlers circuit on ESPN classic and wondering if you can ever again achieve similar heights of greatness, you’re in luck. We get it. We’re right there with ya. High school is over, and so are athletic accomplishments that might actually get you laid. No more Friday night lights, no more impressionable sophomores.
But hope is not lost. Oh no, young padawan. But only if you got what it takes. Are you willing to not go to the gym? To not get back in shape? To skip the Rocky training montages and stay situated on that beautiful couch? Because if that’s the case (Effin’ A, Cotton), then you’re in luck.
Here’s a short list of totally legit competitions, some lucrative, that might boost your pride and don’t require much work.
National Texting Championship
Grand Prize: $50,000
Having a texting championship is like having a contest to determine who can write the best racist online message board rant. It’s all inclusive, meaning that everybody does it, and you don’t have to go supremely out of your way to get good at it—the very essence of this list.
Now, if you were to just up and assume that, because texting is a digital gossip exercise, teenage girls would be the scourge of the competition…you’d be totally right. All of this year’s finalists in the L.G. National Texting Championship in New York were girls only a couple years removed from selling Girl Scout cookies. God wouldn’t have invented stereotypes if they weren’t right at least some of the time.
How you can win: Practice makes perfect. If you really want to get into a furious texting groove, have a few shots of Jameson, look up all your ex-girlfriend’s numbers, and get cracking. All that shit-stirring will allow you to develop impeccable muscle memory in the thumbs, and any lapse in diction, spelling, or logic can surely be rectified in your sober practice sessions.
USA Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship
Grand Prize: $50,000
Historically, the alternative problem-solving technique for kids and grown-ups alike too timid to just punch each other. It is the world’s second oldest hand-sport (zing!), and the only one where fisting is encouraged (zing?).
In 2002, the World Rock Paper Scissors Society standardized rules of international play. Since 2006, The USA Rock Paper Scissors (USARPS) league has hosted annual single-elimination tournaments in Las Vegas with enough cash-money at the end of them to cover a mortgage payment. Besides the money, you get your face plastered on ESPN.
How you can win: Believe it or not, the game’s been broken down into all the thorough statistics and odds-based strategies a person can glean. They even made a chart for it. Apparently, psychology plays an important part, too. But if you’re above all that research, just pick rock. We’re pretty sure nothing beats that.
World Air Guitar World Championship
Grand Prize: A real guitar (meh, it’s probably one more than you own)
That’s right—air guitar, as in not actually playing anything. It’s the same pantomiming act you did as a kid in front of a mirror, only now with slightly higher stakes and an audience that you can’t be sure of whether they’re laughing with you, or at you. Good thing the contestants likely threw their pride out the window a long time ago.
Contestants willing to make the trip to Oulu, Finland to fake rock-out would be judged based on three criteria: technical merit, stage presence, and airness. That last one just sounds way too cool to be involved in all this. The whole ambiance of the competition is usually likened to figure skating, a connotation we cannot in good conscience dispute.
How you can win: It’s a competition based in Finland. Assume they’re about two decades behind the curb, and glam-metal is all the rage. This means leather pants, glossy mullets, crotch-thrusts supplemented by a good rolled up sock, and an STD that has yet to be discovered by scientists. Not that that last one really matters, but total preparation is key.
Grand Prize: $50,000
Beer Pong has exploded on the American landscape like a used tampon with, like, explosives attached to it. Like Apple, sex robots, and most of the world’s religions, it started out in some dude’s garage and evolved into a cultish national pastime, culminating in The World Series of Beer Pong (WSOBP), held annually in Las Vegas, which features up to 1,000 participants from as far away as Japan.
There are a number of variations to different beer-pong games, but the overall premise is the same, and pretty simple—toss a ping-pong ball across a length-wise table into a swath of regular keg cups. If you’re good at it, the other team drinks. If you’re not, you drink. It’s whatever the awesome opposite of a catch-22 is.
How you can win: Can you conceivably land a ping-pong ball from six feet into a swath of cups that gets progressively smaller as the game goes on? Ok, good. Now, can you do it while drinking beer? Of course you can. You’ve driven drunk before. How hard can it be next to that? Call up your college buddies and get the band back together.
Tobago Crab Racing
Grand Prize: Pride?
For some reason, the Buccoo Village in Tobago holds an annual festival that features a crab racing event. The rules of this race determine that each crab has to have a jockey, which is where you would come in. Kind of like horse racing, except…huh?
Jockeys might makes sense in this case if we lived in the year 802,567 and crabs had evolved to the size of water buffalos. But alas, being a crab jockey in the present day means tying a string around your crab, prodding him with a stick, and hoping he wouldn’t rather mate or pinch something before crossing the finish line. We imagine this is what parents of fat kids visualize after they make their pride and joy go out for track.
How you can win: To start, you’ll have to unlearn whatever your guidance counselor told you about setting goals for yourself. Next, you’ll have to put aside your PETA-inspired empathy for the crab’s feelings. You only get a crab to move fast by scaring him or pissing him off. You already have a string and a stick. Figure it out.
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