Five Reasons Why You Should Fear the Discovery Channel

With the notable exception of the History Channel, there are few basic cable channels that appeal to men more than the Discovery Channel. As if Shark Week and Myth Busters aren’t enough reason to watch, they also have Deadliest Catch, Dirty Jobs, Man vs. Wild, hell, they even have a show that’s just called Swords. How badass is that?

But beyond the fact that they deal in man approved television, what else do you know about the Discovery Channel? Like, for example, did you know they are completely evil? For real, here’s why.

5 They Want Your Woman to Think Murder is Sexy and Normal

If you’re so pressed for time that you can’t watch the 30-second video clip above, here’s what’s going on. Basically, some woman is sitting poolside in a bikini eating strawberries and drinking champagne and looking hot while a sultry-voice over talks about how, sometimes, relationships get complicated and things go bad and people get hurt and your boyfriend dies of multiple stab wounds to the chest.

In her defense, the voice-over didn’t really mention stab wounds. It was more like “sometimes things turn deadly, holla!” at which point the chick laying poolside glances at the murder victim floating in her infinity pool, rolls her eyes, chuckles and gets right back to pounding champagne.

If you replace that unknown model sitting poolside with, say, Sarah Jessica Parker and run this commercial during the Academy Awards, you would have 50,000 murdered boyfriends and husbands by the morning.

4 They Almost Started a War

Indonesia Malaysia War

In 2009, the Discovery Channel was running a series called Enigmatic Malaysia which, in their hands, could end up being about artsy stuff or drug smuggling sea creatures.

During an advertisement for the series, they included a shot of a group of Pendet dancers.

2009 Pendet Controversy

Yep, we thought those were fingernails the first time we looked at that picture too. But they aren’t fingernails. Something else they aren’t? At all related or tied to Malaysia in any way. They are Balinese Pendet dancers. Simple oversight, nothing anyone would lose their shit over. Not a big deal, right?

Indonesia Bali

Yeah, people lost it. Things have been tense between Malaysia and Indonesia since they went to war over control of Borneo in the 1960′s. In the United States, an incident like this would probably just generate some angry internet comments and possibly an irate phone call or two. Meanwhile, in Bali hundreds of people protested and burned Malaysian flags. Others pelted the Malaysian embassy in Jakarta with rotten eggs.

But it didn’t stop there. An apology by Malaysia was rejected on the grounds that it wasn’t written, to which Malaysia basically responded to by saying they weren’t writing shit. At this point, the Discovery Channel tried to intervene by writing a letter to both countries saying the mistake was their fault, but the damage was already done.

A group called Gemars has been stockpiling items in preparation for war with Malaysia and, awesomely, their list includes samurai swords and Chinese throwing stars. Not to be out-knifed in what would traditionally be considered a gunfight, another group threatened to send 1,500 troops armed with sharpened bamboo to Malaysia by land, sea and air. So they have airplanes but no guns? Priorities, Indonesia, priorities.

We’re probably not as up to date on Indonesia-Malaysia relations as we could be, but as far as we know, shit is still pretty tense over there but full on war hasn’t broken out yet.

If it does, expect Indonesia to win. At least that’s what Yahoo Answers told us.

3 Their Privacy Policy is Inescapable

We’ll be honest with you, we aren’t all that well read when it comes to privacy policies, maybe they’re all the same. So if we’re unfairly singling out the Discovery Channel here, well, maybe they should quit stockpiling information about us.

That’s pretty much the stance they take in their privacy policy, which outlines the myriad ways they will go about collecting information about you and selling it to anyone who wants it and how if you don’t like it you shouldn’t be on their site. That’s not hyperbole on our part. They actually say that.

Discover Privacy Policy

The information in question is pretty much everything short of your social security number. If you buy a DVD, they have your address and credit card. If you leave a comment on their website, they collect your email address. If you just visit the site, expect your IP address and whatever other internet crumbs shady internet marketers use to decide what price should be displayed when you shop for a Fleshlight on Amazon.com.

They even have a section dedicated to all the information they gather about kids, but fear not, you can have that information removed provided you call them up and tell them exactly what time and on what site your kid provided their name, address, photo and GPS coordinates so they could watch a video with dancing meerkats in it or something.

Also, if you’re somewhere in Europe grinning smugly because you’re protected by different laws which prevent this type of information from being collected, they’ve got something for you too. Section E of the privacy policy says that if you choose to provide the Discovery Channel’s family of websites (which is kind of huge) with any information, you agree to have all of that information transferred to the United States where it won’t be subject to your fruity European laws and will be subject to the same privacy policy we enjoy here in the states. Bollocks!

2 The Colony

The Colony Discovery Channel

We certainly don’t want to be around if the day comes when a biological attack decimates entire cities and leaves us fending for ourselves on some stone age shit. But if it happens, thanks to the new Discovery Channel hit The Colony, we at least know some rules to stick to.

  1. Young “urban” looking (wink, wink) types are usually machete wielding hellions who will take your food.
  2. Defend your food and supplies against “those people” at all costs.
  3. You stealing their shit, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable.

In other words, once a disaster hits, you need to decide if you’re Christopher Columbus or a Native American. And then kill accordingly.

Awesomely (or frighteningly), that’s kind of the premise of The Colony. A group of people have gathered after a staged biological attack to try and build a life for themselves in a seemingly uninhabitable disaster area. They spend most of their time cycling between being attacked and robbed by a group of people who resemble what it would look like if The Gap started a street gang, being paranoid about being attacked by those people and planning attacks to take shit from those people.

Looters

In other words, when disaster strikes, play it like prison. Knife the first person who doesn’t look like you and take cover with the people who do. That’s a pretty good message to pass along to the survivalist types who probably cream themselves watching this show.

It’s all good though, because the people who come to take shit from the contestants? They’re looters. When the contestants head out to take other people’s shit, they’re just surviving. Where have we heard that one before?

1 They Turned the Gulf Coast into a Sound Stage

Gulf Coast Damage

Of all of the questionable things about The Colony on Discovery Channel, nothing stands out more than this…they’re using the wreckage of Hurricane Katrina as a goddamn sound stage. The Colony isn’t filmed on some Hollywood lot designed to look like a burned out third wold country. That shit is filmed in Louisiana.

Instead of taking the money required to finance a television show and, say, putting it into helping fix up a salvageable neighborhood, they snatched up ten acres of what we can only hope was uninhabitable housing and used it to film a fucking reality show. At the same time this was being filmed, MTV was filming a season of the Real World in the same damn state. How is that shit not a problem?

And what kind of shape was this neighborhood in before the Discovery Channel showed up? Because honestly, the houses they’ve occupied look pretty sound, structurally. Was it like that when they got there or did they put extra energy and financial resources into making it livable for a bunch of reality show contestants?

We’re not sure which option is more unsettling. Maybe we’ll figure it out by the time “Survivor: New Orleans” inevitably premieres on CBS in the next year or so.

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