Last week a Wisconsin man was arrested for shooting his television after watching Bristol Palin on Dancing With the Stars. The man later told authorities that he did it because she wasn’t talented and she was only on TV because her mom was famous.
Uh, no offense to that guy, but he has not been watching nearly enough reality TV, because Bristol Palin is far from the most offensive person to grace our screens. We’ve had a hankering to pump our boob tubes full of lead after witnessing a never-ending list of morons on reality TV, but we’ve made a list of the five absolute worst.
Matt Moline – My Life on the D-List
We still haven’t forgiven Kathy Griffin’s ex-husband Matt for allegedly stealing $72,000 from her over the course of a year. Kathy and Matt briefly reconciled after their initial split and at the time the details of Matt’s sticky fingers were kept private. Once the two were officially dunzo, Kathy went on Larry King Live to tell the sad truth: Her husband used to sneak into her wallet early in the morning, take her ATM card and take out a ton of cash. That’s like, real, real shady.
We’ve thought a lot about the questions we’d ask Matt Moline if ever faced with him and here’s just a sampling we’ve decided to share with you: How are you going to steal from your wife, Matt? $72,000? What are you going to do with that kind of money that she wouldn’t know about? Why’d you have to steal Kathy’s money and make her cry? You had such an easy set up there what with the big, free house and the cute, harmless in-laws and the wife who pays for ERRRYTHANG.
Ryan – The Real World New Orleans
This year’s Real World New Orleans reboot was actually the first watchable season of the show that we’ve seen in years, but Ryan was too much in all the wrong ways. His lame attempt at alternative bad boy behavior earned him the nickname “Puck Lite” around here because everything he did was reminiscent of The Real Wolrd’s original crappy roommate except way lame.
While Puck was a bike messenger who would stick his gnarly hands in the community peanut butter and regularly make his roommate cry, Ryan is a hairdresser from Tempe who would ask his male roommates to help him shave his ass before having what seemed to be a bi-polar meltdown on them for any number of reasons. Ryan wasn’t tough and that was apparent from the jump. The dude was a whiney bitch. If we want to see that, we’ll roll over in bed. *rimshot*
Kim G. – The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Kim G. was supposed to be a filler character, but wound up digging herself right into the center of the spotlight of season two. Between getting absolutely hammered at Teresa’s housewarming party, telling her eyebrow waxer that Danielle was searching for her biological mother and cussing out her former friend in front of a crowded restaurant, Kim was a central part of the show by the last episode. But it was awful and not in a good way.
So how is Kim G. worse than Danielle Staub, the show’s long-standing villain? Unlike Danielle, Kim isn’t even a cast member on the show. There’s been no compensation for the use of her time or the use of her image and likeness. She doesn’t do pres tours with Bravo. Kim G. is the worst person like, ever, because she’s putting herself and her home and her kids out there with this horrible image FOR FREE.
Holly and Chadwick – The Real World/Road Rules Challenge
The Real World/Road Rules Challenges were one of the best things to fry your minds with back when they did the Battle of the Seasons edition. We happily spent hours watching our favorite former Real World and Road Rules cast members, unable to move on from their 15 minutes, compete in degrading tasks in swimsuits to win a lame ten grand. But the presence of Chadwick and Holly, two Road Rules kids from different seasons who’d met and got married since their shows had aired, was totally gross, to put it eloquently.
You ever get dragged to a dinner party where there’s a couple who you can tell has amazing sex but together, the combined intelligence and emotional maturity of say, a fifteen year old girl who just got her period? Together they were the two most needy, over-emotional and awkward people on the show, and in a house full of Bunim-Murray types, you know that’s saying something. Ugh. Thank Jeezy that those two have seemed to disappear for good.
Wendy Pepper – Project Jay
Ugh. Well, the know-it-all from our third grade class aged five times as fast as us, took an interest in sewing, changed her name and got herself on Project Runway’s first season, apparently. Wendy Pepper was the freakin’ worst contestant in the history of Project Runway because she knew she sucked and she didn’t care because she thought she was smart enough to play the game. Obviously she got herself into the top three and competed in fashion week, but where is Wendy Pepper now?
Her turn on Project Runway wasn’t even the worst we saw of her, though. When she appeared on Jay McCarroll’s spin-off show, Project Jay, she announced to him that she and her husband where getting a divorce because he couldn’t handle her “fame.” She later said this to the NY Post…
“You almost become a different person just by the sheer fact that you had to defend your right to stay at the table. There was a sufficient change in me [and] it was difficult for my husband to sort of come along for that step.”
Psssh. OK, Wendy Pepper.