Congratulations, NCAA, you finally brought justice to town. For today, you have stripped Reggie Bush of his Heisman Trophy. For those unfamiliar, Reggie Bush has been accused of accepting gifts and money while he was playing for USC, a violation of NCAA rules which require student athletes to live on the income of a homeless person.
As punishment for this heinous crime, the school was hit with tons of sanctions which absolutely in no way resulted in their head coach bolting for the NFL and Lane Kiffin slithering into town. It’s been a sore spot for USC fans up to this point that Bush, the man who caused all of the problems, had yet to be punished. But that’s no more. Because now he’s without his Heisman Trophy, an assuredly crushing blow to a man with a Superbowl ring and photo of himself doing poolside pushups with Kim Kardashian on his back to his credit.
Huh. That would be one way to get us to exercise more. Anyway, while it might seem like a minor thing, being stripped of a Heisman Trophy is something no previous Heisman winner has had to endure. It’s never happened before. Not once. Not even one time. Not a single Heisman winner in history has ever done anything despicable enough to warrant losing their trophy until now.
But now that we’ve started a trend, why not see where we can go with it? Here are five more Heisman winners who should be stripped of their title…
Ricky Williams – 1998 – University of Texas
If you think we’re going to suggest that Ricky Williams should lose his Heisman Trophy due to his admitted marijuana use and multiple failed drug tests, think again. We’re definitely not the type of site to get all up in arms about a little weed. Quite the opposite, actually.
Our problem is that Ricky Williams has to be the first professional anything ever who couldn’t balance a weed habit and full time employment. If the weed you’re smoking is resulting in you not being able to work, the weed you’re smoking is probably heroin. Now there’s a problem. By all means, give up a few years of your NFL career to overcome your heroin addiction. But weed? Shut up and play ball.
Matt Leinart – 2004 – USC
Hey, see the chicks in that picture with Heisman winner Matt Leinart? The one in front is excited to be having her picture taken with an NFL quarterback. The chick in back? She has him on her fantasy team.
Matt Leinart has been making an ass of himself since the day he left college. He came right into the NFL on some supermodel shit and promptly found himself benched in favor of Kurt Warner, who most NFL fans assumed was dead by that point. After Kurt did the job Leinart was supposed to do for two more years, it appeared that Matt’s day had finally come when Warner announced his retirement prior to the 2010 season so he could focus his full attention on being more Jesus-y and hoping his wife never cuts her hair again.
Good news for Matt Leinart, right? Wrong. With Warner out of the way, Leinart immediately went about losing the starting job that he never really had anyway to Derek Anderson. Somehow, running for your life behind a porous offensive line and splitting bench time with Brady Quinn in Cleveland produces better results than two years of tutelage under a future Hall of Fame quarterback.
Leinart was unceremoniously released by Arizona and is now in the running to be Matt Schaub’s backup in Houston. And this guy gets to keep his Heisman? Bananas.
Archie Griffin – 1975 – Ohio State University
What’s that, obnoxious internet commenter? Yes, you’re right, despite what we may have indicated here, Archie Griffin won the Heisman Trophy twice. Not just in 1975, but also in 1974. And that’s exactly why he can afford to lose one.
You know who else has won two Heisman Trophies? Nobody, that’s who. Furthermore, do you know who doesn’t have even one Heisman Trophy? Us, that’s who. Do the right thing, Archie Griffin. Quit showboating and give up a trophy. Nobody needs two of those things.
Rashaan Salaam – 1994 – University of Colorado
Are Heisman Trophy winners who go on to do absolutely nothing of note in the NFL anything special? Not at all, in fact it happens all the time. Some Heisman winners don’t even make it to the NFL (enjoy that day job, Jason White!). So why should Rashaan Salaam give back his trophy? Because the person writing this is a Bears fan, and the Bears wasted a first round draft pick on this clown.
Thanks for nothing, Rashaan Salaam.
O.J. Simpson – 1968 – USC
When we said this at the beginning of this article…
while it might seem like a minor thing, being stripped of a Heisman Trophy is something no previous Heisman winner has had to endure. It’s never happened before. Not once. Not even one time. Not a single Heisman winner in history has ever done anything despicable enough to warrant losing their trophy until now.
…you probably knew right away that we were headed down this road. OJ Simpson is one of only three Heisman winners selected first in the draft and subsequently inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. He’s also one of only one Heisman winner to escape a murder charge for slaughtering his wife and an acquaintance. He then followed that up by writing a book about how he would have committed the crime “if” he did it and making a decent living signing memorabilia at horror movie conventions. Classy!
For awhile there it seemed like OJ was going to be able to fade into the background and live out the rest of his days nailing naive white chicks in Beverly Hills, but that would be way too easy for OJ. Instead, he robbed a Las Vegas sports memorabilia dealer at gunpoint and was sentenced to 33 years in prison.
Getting off on a murder charge for a crime that 98% of the population believed you committed should be like surviving a shark attack. You acknowledge that you nearly lost everything and decide that, going forward, it’s best to not to be fucking around in the water. Except here, the water is a metaphor for not putting yourself in situations that may find you getting all stabby and shooty with people. But OJ didn’t take his acquittal that way, and now he’s in prison for real.
He doesn’t deserve to lose his Heisman for his crimes, he deserves to lose it because he’s a dumbass.