Five International Musicians Who Will Make You Proud to be American

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If you think the popularity of Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift and Nickelback are reason enough to go expat, you may want to hold off on booking your one way ticket to Uzbekistan. You see, shitty music isn’t just a first world problem. In fact, we’ve dug up such offensively awful music from around the world that you may just never leave again. You’ll never dine on authentic Italian pasta, your children will be cheated of any worldliness you could afford them, but hey, at least you’ll get to keep your ear drums intact.

Without further ado, here are five artists from around the world that will make you proud to be an American.

King Africa

First of all, we’re pretty sure that King Africa may be the favorite artist of the woman who pushes a shopping cart full of her homemade tamales around our neighborhood on Saturday morning. It sure does sound like this is the unlistenable junk that’s constantly blaring from the AM/FM stereo she has hanging from her cart with an old coat hanger. If it’s not, it sure sounds a lot like it, and we hate that woman and her dumb tamales.

Secondly, if the best thing your music career has going for it is a thong and fishnet covered ass in your music video, well… you’re probably Ja Rule and the last thing we need is another one of him.

There are two versions of this video and, sadly, embedding has been disabled at the artist’s request for the most atrocious of the two. You’ll understand why after watching it here.

O-Zone

We’re not sure if you realize the hell that was growing up a teenage girl in the late 90s (actually, we’re pretty sure you don’t), but the worst part of it all had to be defending the talent of the boy bands we couldn’t help but love. Now that we’ve caught a glimpse of Romanian all-dude group O-Zone, we feel we’re owed a massive apology. Everyone got down to “I Want It That Way” at least once back in those days, but “Dragostea Din Tei?” We doubt we could pay you to get drunk enough to admit to liking this.

Cosimo

You know how Lady Gaga took her crappy song “Telephone” and turned it into an epic ode to Tarantino? We have a feeling that’s what Cosimo was trying to do when he made his video for “Komm Schon Baby Zieh Dich Aus.” God awful music gussied up with high-ish quality video may work with our homegrown stars, but good luck crossing over to the States with this crapfest, Cosimo.

Gunther

Oh, hey Gunther. You sure do remind us of our childhood best friend’s creepy uncle Sal who we were never allowed to be around alone when we growing up. In fact we’re pretty sure the line, “Ooooh, you touched my tra la la, my ding dang dong” was a line we originally learned in the dirty playground version of a Christmas carol when we were about the same age. You can stay in Sweden, Gunther. If we need to get our giggle on while a creepy older man sings about sex, we’ll stick with the classics.

Girl’s Generation

It’s kind of hard to tell if this K-Pop group is more or less offensive than the British girl band that took over the states in the 90s, The Spice Girls. We’re leaning toward worse, if only because watching women prance about in school girl uniforms sucking on lollipops and saying only a handful of words that translate to English is pretty freakin’ creepy. At least those British gals were blatant about their brazen sexuality. Watching Girl’s Generation is like peeking in on your little cousin’s naughty sleepover: Guilt-inducing yet enjoyable while also unthinkably creepy.

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