Five Crimes Against Humammory

Outrage! Though Elmo and his producers may claim otherwise, Katy Perry and her miraculously perfect breasts were the victims of one of the most common forms of injustice in American society: a crime against hummamory.

The pop singer’s skit on Sesame Street scheduled to air this month was cut from the show after parents lambasted against her awesome demonstration of the letter double-D, which streamed online before the show was set to air. (Katy and her boobs have since found redemption, in one hilariously hot sketch on SNL‘s season premiere and the announcement that she would appear as herself in an episode of The Simpsons this season about the Sesame boner.)

Katy isn’t alone in this crusade. Many other ladies have suffered outrage from the public because of their God-given or clinically-inserted gifts.

Britney Spears – Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards


When barely-18-year-old Britney Spears showed up at Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Awards in 1999 in a white crop top possibly stolen from Life-Size Barbie, parents went a little batshit. Not only did she sport some nipples that could cut a glass teleprompter should she fall over from all of that upper weight, but it seemed like she sprouted these saline suckers overnight. An 18-year-old getting a boob job? Preposterous! (Remember: This was 1999.)

The debate over Britney’s boobs went on and on, but she always managed to avoid a straight-up boobie ban, most likely due to most kids networks just steering clear of Busted Britney post-”Slave 4 U.” These days, we’re thinking everyone would be happy to go back to those good times of sharp nipples and smooth midriffs, instead of head shaving and flower-flashing, boobs be damned.

Lane Bryant – Lingerie Commercial

Appropriately(?) scheduled for the commercial breaks in ABC’s enthralling Dancing With the Stars, Lane Bryant’s ad for plus-size lingerie showed model Ashley Graham in a variety of lacy bras, displaying some serious cleavage. We’ve seen worse (i.e. sexier, more fleshy ads), so we all did a little double-take when both ABC and Fox banned the ad at the last second for having too much cleavage.

A) No such thing as “too much cleavage.” B) This is the same network that airs a show about slutty housewives in corsets diddling the gardener in the upstairs bathroom. C) Bigger girls equals bigger boobs equals bigger ratings for your lame shows, assclowns.

Meghan McCain – TitPic

Meghan McCain

Poor I’m-a-Cool-Republican-I-Swear!-Meghan just can’t catch a break. If she’s not being made fun of for her complete lack of that knowledge thing or her goober of a dad, she’s getting flack for her big ol’ tatas.

To show off her jumbo-sized…reading comprehension…Meghan shared a Twitpic of her new favorite read, some book about Andy Warhol or whatever. She was instantly declared a Twitter slut with ulterior motives by the masses, and the pic came down pretty soon after Meghan insisted the site was a “vessel for harassment.”

In this case, a titter-gate was started by the media but further worsened by the tittilator herself when she refused to embrace that, yes, she was, in fact, showing off her glorious rack and not a book about an albino art dork. Be proud of your not-so-subtle showcasing of your not-subtle-at-all assets, Meghan. We certainly are.

Gabon Civil Workers – Public Displays of Attention

Cleavage leads to dysfunction and “deviant behavior” in the workplace (nah…), according to officials in Gabon, a western Africa state. After years of troubles in the public administration with fraud and cronyism, an archbishop declared a new rule that prohibited cleavage and demanded high-necked blouses, full-length skirts or traditional African robes. He accused authorities of “turning a blind eye to deviant behaviour such as the wearing of skimpy outfits in the public administration.”

You know that in a ladies’ restroom somewhere in the capital buildings of Gabon, a group of stacked women are giving one poor woman the swirly of her life, the woman who managed to wear her favorite blouse on the wrong day and piss off an archbishop while crossing paths in the hallway, forever ruining scoopnecked blouses for Gabon workers far and wide. Couldn’t you have worn your Cami Secret, girl?

Hey, Sarah Palin lets the girls out once in a while, and things have worked out pretty well for her. What harm could a lady with boobs and a brain possibly cause in state government?

Puppet Cleavage – Lucy the Slut

It seems fitting to round out this list of our favorite round assets that have suffered injustices with a puppet cleavage scandal. The risque Broadway show Avenue Q that pokes fun at kids shows like (ahem) Sesame Street began posting billboards throughout the country for a nationwide tour, featuring a close-up shot of a pink puppet Lucy the Slut’s ample cleavage in a string bikini. But Colorado Springs, Colorado, wasn’t having it. The ad was banned by the city’s advertising agency for its bus shelters, forever depriving Colorado Springs of fuzzy double-D muppets.

OK, so puppet cleavage might not really do it for us, but we’re willing to stand up for all boobs: big or small, droopy or perky, human or puppet. One account executive for the ad agency said, “If I have to explain it to my 4-year-old or my grandmother, we don’t put it up.” What’s to explain here? They’re boobs. Your 4-year-old will have them or grope them someday, and Grandma has become quite familiar with hers by now. Grandma will understand.

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