Ever since Tom Cruise went couch jumping on Oprah and maybe even before that, the general consensus has been that Scientology is a bit weird. We’ll be the first to admit that maybe we’re the crazy ones, but for some reason alien worship, silent births and the general defensiveness and secrecy of its members and leaders doesn’t sit well with us.
With a decent portion of Hollywood involved in the cult-like religion, it’s not unusual to find out that some of your favorite entertainers are regularly getting both their colons and their Thetans cleansed. Most actors fear getting audited (hi, Nic Cage), but a clam never misses an auditing session.
We made a list of the Scientologists we wish weren’t Scientologists not because we’re convinced the religion is wrong (we may or may not being saying that for our own protection), but just because it kind of sort of creeps us out.
We’ve been listening to Beck since we were teenagers and his involvement in Scientology, while not at all a secret, wasn’t made known to us until we were ear-deep in Midnight Vultures.
Beck Hansen was born into the religion and practiced it all of his life, so his involvement is pretty deep. There’s even some urban legends out there that two of the artists who worked with Beck on his album covers experienced harassment by the Church of Scientology and were found dead not long later. Their deaths were ruled suicides.
Kirstie Alley would be the perfect overweight, washed-up and totally whacked-out older lady star if we didn’t know that at least a percentage of her kookiness was due to her heavy involvement with the CoS.
Originally introduced to the faith by her Look Who’s Talking co-star John Travola (he’s just way too far gone to even make it on this list), Kirstie credits her auditing sessions and involvement with the church with helping her beat her drug addiction.
What the religion has been able to do for her food addiction clearly remains to be seen.
We tried to warn you that this list wasn’t going to be easy to read. Yup, Earl is a Ronbot. The dude from the Kevin Smith movies is a devout Scientologist. So much so that his ex-wife went on a tear after their divorce, sharing details about the religion and its two most famous members at the time, Tome Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Earlier this year, Jason’s ex, Carmen Llewellyn, reported the following story to the National Enquirer:
“Jason and I were talking to Tom, and we told him that we went to the CoS center in LA. He said brightly, ‘Oh yeah? Well, me and Nicole are Scientologists too! Right, Nic?’ But she turned and gave Tom the most evil look. She stared at him for about 10 seconds, and Tom looked at her like he was throwing daggers with his eyes. I interpreted her look to mean, ‘I am not a Scientologist, and I will not be a Scientologist.’ She was clearly mad at Tom for saying she was. And the next thing you know, they’re getting a divorce!”
And next thing you know, Carmen Llewellyn is going to be found floating in the Silver Lake Reservoir!
If it wasn’t hard enough to believe that the voice of Bart Simpson is actually a chick, it’s even more difficult to wrap your head around the fact that he’s also a Scientologist chick.
Of course neither of these things are enough to stifle the joy that The Simpsons have brought us over the years, but Nancy using “Bart’s voice” to encourage Los Angeles residents to come to a Scientology-run event in 2009? Not cool. Like, Joe Camel not cool.
OK, so we know that the great Isaac Hayes is actually the late and great Isaac Hayes, but it still totally blows that the voice of who is arguably the best character on what is arguably the best show like, ever, was a major Xenu-hugger.
While he decided to skip the “Trapped in the Closet” episode that railed on his fellow SciTys, he remained calm and told Opie and Anthony on their radio show, “One thing about Matt and Trey, they lampoon everybody, and if you take that serious, I’ll sell you the Brooklyn bridge for two dollars. That’s what they do.”
That’s how cool he was, man. That’s how cool he was.