The joy of knocking the shit out of something with a stick so candy flies out of its innards should not just be reserved for small children’s birthday parties. With the incredible advancements in the past few years in pinata design and technology, this time-honored practice can now be used at all kinds of different events.
With that in mind, we present a guide to matching the right pinata to occasions you never thought would lend themselves to this kind of candy-coated violence.
FOR THE FAMILY FARMER WHO JUST LOST HIS LAND
Has your farm been taken over by the bank after generations of your family running it? Have your pleas to have John Mellencamp record a song about your plight that will tug at the heartstrings of middle America fallen on deaf ears? Take out your frustrations on this John Deere tractor pinata. Instead of filling it with candy, slip a few ears of corn inside from your very last harvest. Or maybe not.
FOR THE WAKE OF A PERSON WHO DIED ACCIDENTALLY
Was your best friend killed in a horrible, pointless accident? Were they taken away from friends and family way too soon? If so, do a number on the Grim Reaper at the wake. In a matter of seconds, that morbid wake will turn into a raucous celebration when all in attendance realize you filled a paper ghoul full of airplane-sized booze bottles.
FOR THE DVD PIRATE’S END OF YEAR BASH
At the end of another great year stealing copyrighted material, what better way to celebrate than knocking the crap out of another knock-off. String up a few of these “Square Hero” pinatas (look familiar?) to inspire the staff for another year of sponging off other people’s hard work.
FOR THAT SEXY PLUSHIE GET TOGETHER
People in the plushie community call sex between folks in furry costumes “yiffing.” A great way to set the mood would be with this Elmo pull-string pinata. What crazy costumed sex fiend could resist getting turned on by candy dropping out of Elmo’s ass? Yiff, yiff hooray!
FOR THE CHUMP WHOSE WIFE CHEATED ON HIM
Did your wife do it with your best friend and then take all your money in the divorce? If so, get your anger out in a healthy, legal way with this beautiful wedding bride pinata. Actually, this thing is so cute, maybe you’re better off whacking it another way. (And yes, ladies, there are also groom pinatas out there for you to destroy.)