The Bizarre and Baffling Case of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox
F*cking Upwards, Vol. I
In which we examine the life and career of phenomenally mediocre men who have managed to land women infinitely hotter and far more successful.
In this Installment:
The Bizarre and Baffling Case of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox
Relationship History
Brian Austin Green began dating Megan Fox in 2004, when her career consisted of guest turns on Two and a Half Men and uncredited extra work. Green was the bigger star, and so, their relationship, while clearly unusual, was nothing extraordinary.
But as Fox’s career skyrocketed with Transformers and Jennifer’s Body, Green’s kept scraping rock-bottom. Yet on June 24, the pair finally tied the knot (after two engagements and Megan losing a massive diamond ring). No viable explanation has yet been found.
Career Highlights
Green’s star turn came on ’90s phenomenon Beverly Hills, 90210 where he played the hopeless homeboy David Silver: a kind of Vanilla Ice-manque, perpetually clad in baggy jeans and sporting some form of Jew-fro fade, Brian Austin Green was the least cool cast member of an already epically uncool cast. Sample his work on the show and reel in horror. (Keep in mind, this isn’t community access—this is from a highly-rated, near seminal, network television show.)
Green has also appeared in such films as Combat Sheep, Unwed Father and Laws of Deception (directed by Joey Travolta).
Much like Drake, who quickly shed the insipid kiddie shit of Degrassi to became one of the hottest names in hip-hop, Green…Green is nothing like Drake. He did, however, release a rap album, 1996′s One Stop Carnival. We have not managed to listen to this auditory horseman of the apocalypse in full, but we do trust AllMusic when they call the album a “lock for the short list of worst rap records ever made.”
Let’s take a look at a sample lyric, from the single “You Send Me.”
I’m takin’ love from the bottom of my heart
And wrappin’ it well, then watchin’ it sail thru the parks
I’m tired of bein’ a human being in the dark
Capsizin’ like the lonely man’s ark
From dip to dip, my eyes fantasize ’bout the thighsFrom lip to lip, autumn love fell from my eyes
Thinkin’ about the prize I let slip on by
Suddenly wringin’ out these “why?”s that won’t come dry
She’s got the style and finesse that’s
Far from sleazy, easy casual sex acts
Clearly there are no answers to be found in Green’s career, only more questions. Perhaps the answer lies in Megan Fox.
Possible Explanations for the Relationship
Fox has proven herself to be batshit crazy on more than one occasion.
She also has toe thumbs.
You watched that video, right? Even if Megan Fox had a toe head, there’s no viable explanation for this pairing.
Mitigating Factors
None
Conclusions
There is little to be learned here: Clearly the whim of celebrity is a pathology unto itself.
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[...] Previously: The Bizarre and Baffling Case of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox [...]
7:20 am on July 20th, 2010
B.A.G. is a good looking, seemingly financially stable, working actor, with lots of contacts. He might have gone through some questionable career moves when he was younger but he’s looked on pretty favorably these days (I think). Besides, as you pointed out, they started dating before Megan became well known. They seem pretty well matched to me. I’d do either of ‘em.
11:11 am on July 20th, 2010
Don’t know about judging dudes except the extremely ugly(see Bizmarkie or the Bitter Beer face dude), but any true player understands that looks are only part of the equation. If you have the gift of gab, you can get a female to do anything. Money, good looks, etc. is only icing on the cake. Don’t hate the guy for snagging the big fish. Just up your own game. I heard that Halle Berry is free . . .
11:20 am on July 20th, 2010
Not sure if the writer realizes this, or spent more than an hour on this, but BAG dated Tiffani Amber-Thiessen and had a kid with Vanessa Marcil. That’s the real story, how he puts up Jeter numbers. Obviously it’s a trend.
11:55 am on July 20th, 2010
They are both gorgeous and totally fuckable!! If they get along and are happy together who gives a damn!! Haters will keep talking because they are jealous. Let them live their lives, and just close your eyes and pleasure yourself to her image, that’s as close as you’re going to get.
12:59 pm on July 20th, 2010
Don’t forget BAG did 2 seasons of the Sara Connor Cronicles before the bigwig boneheads canceled the show.
1:13 pm on July 20th, 2010
All I know is that dudes right nut has a better sex life than I probably ever will.
1:33 pm on July 20th, 2010
Everyone in-the-know knows BAG’s secret! The guys gotta a bigger thicker dick than Dawson Creek’s Pacey and Kevin Federline combined!!! I want some of that tube steak in my puZZy!! BAGS THE MAN!!!
1:38 pm on July 20th, 2010
Is BAG wearing mascara in that picture up top?
4:09 pm on July 20th, 2010
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8:30 pm on July 20th, 2010
Brian did have a little of 1 season in “Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles”.
At least someone is banging that fine little minx “Megan Fox”.
12:17 am on July 21st, 2010
Honestly, he has been with Tiffani Thiessen, Vanessa Marcil and Megan Fox. I don’t think he has a problem bagging hot women.
12:36 am on July 21st, 2010
it’s all good, fellas…my girl’s hotter. so quit sippin the hatorade!!
1:54 pm on July 30th, 2010
[...] Previously: The Bizarre and Baffling Case of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox [...]
4:35 pm on October 9th, 2010
How is it bizarre? He’s dated hot women all his life, he dated two of his co-stars from Beverly Hills 90210, Tiffani Amber Thiessen, and Vanessa Marcil with whom he has a child. He’s obviously doing something that the haters on this site can’t and probably never will, women like men with confidence, and being a hottie like BAG is just a little icing on the cake. Sitting around being haters, is just showing a lack of confidence, and I would imagine most of the haters are only best friends with their hand.