The holidays are coming up and for most people that means shopping and spending time with their loved ones, but for trolls like us it’s all about sitting alone in a dark theater with a soda the size of our heads and a box of Junior Mints. We love going to the movies and we take it pretty seriously, so we put together a list of tips and tricks that make sitting through a three-hour flick a breeze for you and those around you.
Order Your Tickets in Advance
Almost every theater gives you the option of purchasing your tickets online these days, and some theaters even let you chose your seat (we like the eighth row, dead center.) This is a must for opening nights, but it’s particularly helpful for agoraphobic folks and those embarrassed by their own taste. Aren’t you glad you live in a world where the phrase “One for For Colored Girls, please” never has to leave your mouth?
Wear Comfy Clothes
Unless you’re on a date, you have absolutely no one to impress at the movie theater. You’re sitting in the dark and if you duck in and out of the building quickly enough, no one will notice that you’re wearing those sweatpants with the gaping hole in the crotch. Hey, you pick the right theater, and those just might be a popular choice.
Know Your Concession Stand
There’s nothing worse than trying to quickly pick up your snacks on the way into the theater and winding up directly behind a couple who are acting like they’ve never seen movie food before. Popcorn, candy and soda pop shouldn’t cause you to flashback to your Mensa qualification test. No, you have to walk up to the pizza-faced teen working the cash register, spit out your order, throw down some cash and bounce into the theater with confidence. This isn’t the card catalog at the library. And for God’s sake, if you order those nacho…things, you better not sit anywhere near us.
Too many people sit down in their seat at the movies and don’t get down to business, and it is business. If you’re the type who needs to take their jacket off in a theater, take it off before you sit down. This will prevent you from standing up and down before the lights go off and giving everyone else around you anxiety about what your sitting up and down policy is.
After you’re seated, put your phone on silent and put it in your pocket or purse. Don’t you dare sit there and read Tweets out loud to your friend or show them your new apps. Your neighbors aren’t interested in a free trip to your bootleg E3 convention.
Assess your snacks. Did you buy something in a crinkly bag? Don’t you think it would be nice to open your crinkly bag and see how large of a hole you need to rip for your fingers to clear it so you’re not making obnoxious bag sounds throughout the movie? We think that’d be real thoughtful of you.
Don’t Be a Trailer Critic
It’s important to treat the trailers like practice for how quiet you’ll be when the main feature is on. The appropriate amount of times to talk during the trailer is twice. Once when the title is revealed (or right when the trailer starts, depending on how recognizable it is) and again when the release date comes up on the screen at the end. At the start of the trailer you can say something like, “Oh, I want to see this,” or, “Fuck this movie,” and at the end, something like, “Whatever! I want to see it!” or, “Seriously, everyone involved with that movie should be fed to a wood chipper.” Keep it brief, keep it colorful and then keep your mouth shut. Leave the long winded trailer critiques where they belong…on blogs.
Shut the Hell Up
You’re probably starting to understand our style of movie-going at this point, so we most likely don’t even need to say this but: If you talk during a movie we will follow you home, stalk you, steal your identity and then wipe you off the face of the planet.
Understand the Three-Act Structure
All movies work pretty much the exact same way, so if you’re an avid movie watcher, you probably can sense the best times to jump up and relieve yourself during a flim. If you need a little help mapping out your bathroom plan, there’s RunPee.com, a site that lists ideal pee-break times for whatever’s currently out in theaters. Make sure you check out the closest way to the exits before the lights go down. Not so you can escape in case of a fire, but so that the people around you don’t have their time ruined by your fumbly, slow-moving body.
Clean Up After Yourself
Believe it or not, we’re not total assholes, so it does bother us to see people abandon piles of garbage as they leave. It’s impossible to exit a theater without passing at least two trash cans, so do the poor schmucks who make minimum wage to sweep popcorn off of uncomfortably sticky floors a favor and bend over far enough to take your empty wrappers with you.
Oh yeah, and enjoy yourself or whatever.