Glee is pretty much the biggest thing on TV right now. Bigger than sexified vampires. Bigger than underage pregnant girls. It’s so big, they even got John Stamos to do an extended cameo. Jesse mother-fucking-Full-House Katsopolis.
Tragically, the premise of Glee might dissuade certain people from watching. It’s a show about high school kids who compete in song and dance competitions. So naturally, by ‘certain people’ we mean guys who’d rather be chopping wood, or eating turkey legs wrapped in bacon. To those guys, we say Glee has a little something for everybody. It’s irrepressible, and downright magical.
That may very well change over the years. Every show jumps the shark eventually, right? So, you might as well start watching now. We’re even going to give you a few reasons why it’s cool for you to watch.
A good chunk of the cast are cheerleaders, and in Glee’s universe, cheerleaders wear their uniforms during the whole school day. So…basically the show’s entire run-time. We know what you’re thinking right about now. Since when does that happen in high schools? How come my high school’s policy regarding student attire didn’t so graciously reflect my own jerk-off fantasies when I was a young buck? We at The Smoking Jacket feel your pain, now snap out of it and shut the fuck up. Cheerleaders, dude.
It’s no different than watching Friday Night Lights for Minka Kelly. Or Heroes for Hayden Panetierre. Or Saved By The Bell for Kelly Kapowski. In Glee’s case, Dianna Agron (far left) is most likely the one to carry the torch. Remember, she just plays a high schooler on television. In real life, she’s 24. No need to start deleting your Google search history.
Also, we’d be doing a major disservice if we failed to mention the lovely Lea Michele, who you may remember from that scandalous GQ photo shoot from a few months ago.
That’s her on the right. She only gets a passing mention here because, unlike the other ladies above, her character on the show is less cheerleader and more class prude. With that said, she’s the only one to this point who’s had a starring role on Broadway that required nudity. Happy Googling.
Coaching the cheerleaders (or ‘Cheerios’, as they’re called) is Sue Sylvester, played by Jane Lynch—a tall, blonde, intimidating lesbian—like a Nazi prison guard you would steal a sack of potatoes for on the secret hope that she would personally conduct your torture session with whips, leather…and bacon.
As Sue, Lynch is every bit as hilarious on TV as she was in The 40 Year Old Virgin and Role Models. Two guy flicks, right? Sue is a throwback to the good old days when racism was funny. If you missed out on 1970s Archie Bunker sitting on his recliner elaborating on his loveable disdain for minorities, you’d be sorely remiss to ignore Sue Sylvester fearlessly deadpan borderline racist one-liners while sitting in an office wearing a track suit. Oh yeah—she’s a cheerleading coach, and has her own office. How many cheerleading coaches do you know who have their own office? Just one, because even the rigid administrative school codes of fictional Ohio dare not fuck with her.
Remember that viral video of that wedding party that danced down the aisle, pair by pair, all the way to the altar to the beat of Chris Brown’s ‘Forever’ for their entrance? There’s at least one scene in every episode of Glee that elicits that same kind of ‘shit-I-really-don’t-want-to-admit-I-love-this-but–I-can’t-help-it’ feeling. It makes you want to dance. But before you make sure no one else is around to break out the robot, take care to actually watch the scene. Sure, the random outbursts of impeccably choreographed dances are a bit of an artistic liberty, but you might actually learn something from it. Like, how to actually dance.
Because it’s important that you know how to dance if you want kick your game up a notch. Science says so. The more flamboyant the dancing, the better. Women instinctively interpret rhythm, grace, and flair on the dance floor as a damn good indicator of your skills under the covers. If you don’t have the brass to tell your friends who give you hell for watching Glee to go fist themselves, you can legitimately claim you’re getting a free lesson in dance, rhythm, and how badly your high school experience sucked in comparison.
Long Shot Compatibility
Let’s face it–Glee might be easier for girls to get into than guys. It’s potentially the perfect storm of chick stuff. It has dancing, choreography, costumes, cheerleaders, fabricated high school melodrama involving cheerleaders, lead female characters that are sometimes easy to hate, a lead gay character that’s easy to love, and a sizeable real-life gay following. What does this mean for guys? It might come in handy as a Hail Mary gambit if you’re out on the town and at that place and time where you’ve got nothing left to lose:
You: Come here often?
Her: Fuck off.
You: Right on, sister. But before I fuck off, did I mention that you look just like that one girl from Glee? Did I mention that I watch Glee? I think that episode where they addressed gay teen bullying was very brave and socially conscientious.
Her: Really? Me too! I was wrong about you. You’re obviously very concerned with current issues, and watch Glee at the same time. Shall we dance?
You: You should know that since I watch Glee, my dancing capabilities are far too flamboyant and awesome to be displayed publicly.
Her: You make a good point. Let’s go take our shirts off and watch Murder, She Wrote.
Just believe in the power of Glee, man.
Artie Abrams Has Sex with a Cheerleader
If you’ve never seen a single episode, just know that the Artie Abrams character is a paraplegic, and therefore stuck in a wheel chair. Few people on Earth have a better excuse than that as to why they’re not getting laid, but damned if that doesn’t stop Artie from having sex with one of the Cheerios.
You read that right. Handicapped kid scores with a cheerleader. And it doesn’t at all come off as one of those typical ‘only on TV’ situations that’s easily detestable because you know it would never happen in real life. The moment is rather touching, really. She actually lifts the geeky little bugger off of his wheelchair and gently lays him down on the bed so they can get busy. If that’s not inspiration for all the little guys out there—even the ones who’ll never be able to kick a field goal—than we don’t know what is.
Remember Teen Wolf? Remember Karate Kid? Remember One Crazy Summer? Remember the 80s? Of course you do. No decade perfected the rousingly cheesy underdog story like the 80s. Glee is full of fictional misfits and outcasts, but they might as well all be William Zabka compared to Artie bagging a cheerleader and being a gentleman about it.