“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” is the controversial policy that allows gay men and women to serve in the military provided they don’t actually tell anyone they’re gay. For their part, the military promises to not ask about it either. But if they find out—say goodbye to that career in the military, soldier.
It’s a pretty ridiculous idea, really, which is why there has been such a huge public outcry to do away with the policy. If a person is capable of wielding a machine gun and running away from explosions with a badass look on their face like in the movies and are willing to use those skills to serve their country, well, we should probably just go ahead and let them. It beats the shit out of reinstating the draft.
But that doesn’t mean “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” is a completely horrible idea. After all, lies, half truths and deception are the very foundation upon which most good relationships are built. If you take the whole “discriminating against people based on their sexual orientation” part out of it, what you’re left with is a policy we can totally get behind.
Here are six non-military ways we use “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy in everyday life.
Shady eBay Deals
Let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, that a “friend” of ours was in the market for an NFL jersey. After searching on the official NFL shop site, they were dismayed to find that the authentic version that they desired cost more than $200. Hardly affordable on an internet comedy writ…er…we mean “office worker” budget. Out of curiosity, they checked eBay and—HOLY SHIT! The very same jersey that would have set them back two Benjis on that NFL site is all of $40 on eBay. Too good to be true, probably, especially when you consider that the seller has over 20 of them available and isn’t even asking people to bid. Just a straight $40 with free shipping, right out the door. Those are crackhead prices! Can’t hardly pass it up.
When the jersey arrives, the buyer is naturally expecting some heinous knockoff with haphazardly ironed on patches and shitty stitching, but instead, it’s the real deal. Still has the tags and everything. This begs an obvious question. How in the hell is this eBay seller able to sell shit so cheap? We get the concept of eBay stores having no overhead and whatnot, but it doesn’t generally account for being able to sell at a $190 discount.
That leaves one pretty obvious conclusion—somebody robbed a truck and “our friend” just bought a stolen jersey. But who’s complaining? They get a jersey on the cheap, the seller gets some stolen goods off their hands and everybody wins! Except for that truck driver who was probably pistol whipped and left at the side of the road! But if they aren’t telling us about that guy in the product description, we sure as shit aren’t asking.
Mysterious Fast Food Products
There was a time when we all lived in blissful ignorance about the horrors contained within our daily fast food lunch. But then, people started getting all investigate-y and shit. Just like that, ground up chicken entrails in nugget form were somehow a bad thing. The fake foodstuffs of days gone by were replaced with “all white meat” and our tasty chicken-like treats were never the same.
But some hold outs from the good old days remain. Take the McRib, for example. It’s generally considered one of the most heinous fast food creations of all time, provided by “heinous” you mean delicious and widely revered. This is a sandwich that has websites dedicated to tracking what cities you can buy it in at any given time. But what the hell is it? We know it’s something pork-ish. Compressing it into a form that looks quasi rib-like is a nice touch, but it’s not fooling anybody. It’s certainly not a slab of ribs. We’d be surprised if it’s really a slab of pork. But who’s asking? That shit is delicious. Whatever horribleness lies within it’s possibly meat filled innards is something we don’t care to know. Just let us build up to our inevitable cardiac arrest in barbecue slathered peace, thank you very much.
This one is mostly for the ladies. You know that guy you dated for awhile who drove a really nice car and lavished you with expensive gifts but never got around to telling you what he did for a living? You were always curious about it, but diamonds buy a whole lot of silence, don’t they? Well let us be the first to confirm what you already knew—that guy was a drug dealer. And probably a really good one.
Everybody has that friend. The guy who, for as long as you’ve known him, has had a whispy patch of thinning hair barely covering his scalp. But one day, he just shows up with a full head of hair, full of confidence and a newly found lust for life. What he doesn’t show up with is a willingness to acknowledge that he’s rocking a set of hair plugs. In the interest of maintaining manly decorum, nobody ever asks about it. But you know. You know, he knows, everyone knows. But nobody says a word.
Even celebrities with massive followings of devoted fans pull this shit on the public like nothing is amiss. Remember when country singer Tim McGraw used to always wear a hat? It’s not because he’s a “cowboy.” It’s because he was going bald. But now, he looks like this…
But sprouting a full head of hair in the space of two weeks isn’t like Al Roker losing 800 pounds. We don’t publicly celebrate it and congratulate him. Instead, the world just goes on as if the days of bald (and that shitty song he did with Nelly) never even existed.
Really, when you think about it, it’s not at all unlike…
Everything we said about hair plugs applies here also, except even more so. Why? Because with a woman, there’s at least some small chance that she’ll call a dude out for buying a head rug. If you think a guy is going to raise a stink when a female acquaintance just shows up at work after a four day weekend rocking a newly enhanced set of lady lumps, you’ve got another thing coming. Silently applaud her decision? Yes. Ask her about it? Hell no. All that negative attention might discourage other ladies from following that path. That’s the last thing anyone wants.
“My parents do a lot of things behind the scenes that go unnoticed.” No, Cam Newton, despite what you may say in your Heisman acceptance speech, your father trying to solicit $180,000 in exchange for your commitment to attend Mississippi State did not, in fact, go unnoticed. A lot of people noticed. But in what has to be one of the biggest “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” moments of all time, when asked about it in an interview, Cam Newton claimed he has never even spoken to his father about the allegations.
Good enough for the Heisman voters of the nation! In one of the most unanimous Heisman votes of all time, Cam Newton walked away with the trophy this past weekend. Enjoy it while you got it, kid. We suspect it will be going the way of Reggie Bush’s Heisman at some point in the not too distant future. But by then, Auburn will have competed for a national championship and you will have signed a lucrative NFL contract with (most likely) the Carolina Panthers.
Don’t ask, don’t tell indeed.
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