It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.

This time I offer my take on “Secrets of Male Arousal” from the December 2010 issue.

Make Him Burn With Pleasure

Warming products (think lubes) are some of the best-selling sex accessories right now. And there’s a definite reason for that: Using any kind of heat during foreplay is pleasurable. Ian Kerner, PhD, author of He Comes Next, explains: “When you’re aroused, your body becomes mores sensitive to touch. And heat—whether it’s from a lubricant or even your breath—amplifies that sensitivity by doing things like increasing blood flow.” To help you put this info to good use, we created a heat map of his body, zoning all the places that are most receptive to warmth. Then we had experts reveal what kind of touch works best there.

♠ Dirty Martini’s Take

There’s enough text in this four-page spread to make your head cave in, and anyone who keeps reading after the Penis section (which advises women to “swish some hot tea or water before giving him oral” and “pause every minute or so to take another sip”) is just asking to be bombarded with some of the stupidest sex advice I’ve ever read.

There’s nothing wrong with applying some warmth; women just shouldn’t do so in any of the ways recommended in Cosmo. They should instead engage in the following heat-related activities that will truly. Electrify. Every. Single. Fiber. Of his being.

Preheat the oven to the recommended temperature so his steak or frozen pizza will be evenly cooked and piping hot when the dinner bell rings.

Apply an iron to his shirts so they will be perfectly pressed and wrinkle-free when he reaches for them in his closet.

Select hot water for the wash cycle when laundering his tighty whities (especially those pairs worn during or immediately after a PBR binge or a visit to Taco Bell).

Warm up the engine in his car to the optimum operating temperature by starting it well in advance of him getting behind the wheel (ideally NOT in a closed garage, unless you are in fact trying to kill him).

Run the shower for however long it takes to get the contents of the hot water heater coursing through the plumbing prior to his entry.

Turn on an electric blanket approximately 15 minutes before his bedtime to eliminate that overrated “other side of the pillow” effect between the sheets.

Fire up the toaster oven to melt the cheese and add a little crunchiness to his Subway Cold Cut Combo so as not to serve him an “off the rack” sandwich.

Microwave his Titleists or simmer them in water on the stove so he gets the optimum distance on his drives during the golf game that will require him to be away from you all day.