It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.
This time I offer my take on “First, Take Off His Pants” from the November 2010 issue.
♥ Cosmo Headline/Summary
The Sexy Strokes He Craves…but Won’t Ask For.
Of all the perks your guy loved back in high school—the varsity jacket, house parties, proximity to cheerleaders—there’s pretty much nothing he misses more than hand jobs. Treat him to an expert one tonight and watch his whole body melt with pleasure.
And if there’s nothing he misses more about high school than hand jobs, that’s pretty pathetic. Praying to the porcelain god after being whipped at flip cup is a fonder memory than the tuggin’ he got from some chick he would have much rather had sex with.
The last sentence has some merit, assuming that the “expert one” will be administered at an Asian spa about a mile or so off the nearest interstate. Ladies, be sure to call ahead and make sure they’ll let you sit there and witness the body-melting bit. Otherwise, you’ll just have to let him enjoy his happy ending in private.
♥ Excerpts from the Intro
When you think about all the sexy stuff you can do to a guy, a hand job probably doesn’t top the list…however, that throwback appeal can be a turn-on for both of you. “It reminds you of your first sexual encounters and the anticipation you felt back then,” says Sadie Allison, author of Tickle His Pickle.
Your hands are also capable of delivering a particular kind of sensation unrivaled by oral sex or intercourse. “They can administer a great deal more friction and speed,” points out Ian Kerner, PhD, founder of goodinbed.com.
Then there are all the sexy side effects: The rush of not knowing what you’ll do next, the view of your bod, the feel of your soft hands, the naughty things you say.
♠ Dirty Martini’s Take
“A hand job probably doesn’t top the list”…understatement of the millennium. And why would anyone want to remember their first sexual encounters, a.k.a. awkward 15-second interludes that ended in embarrassment?
The only thing “more friction and speed” is gonna do is make a guy feel like he’s trying to wrap up a solo stroke session before anyone figures out what he’s really doing in the bathroom.
“Not knowing what you’ll do next” is called “wondering if you’ll actually fuck him next or if this is where it ends,” and it’s no rush. Also, “the view of your bod” is limited if not impossible, as there’s usually some closeness required to give a hand job. Unless of course the guy’s got a 16-inch schwantz, in which case he doesn’t need to settle for being jerked off and the hand job ain’t happening in the first place.
♥ Excerpts from Step 1: Create Some Heat
After a few minutes, touch his package over his pants. “The dull sensation of being stroked through the fabric arouses him,” Allison says. “Gently squeeze him, rub him, and grind against him.”
Another key move at this point in the game is to get him super hard—the more blood in his johnson, the more intense the sensations. “Hold his penis in one hand, and lightly slap it with the other. This increases blood flow to the area,” Kerner explains.
In addition, you can tap it back and forth between your hands like you’re volleying a tennis ball and softly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles.
♠ Dirty Martini’s Take
Spin it however you want, but a “dull sensation” is just that: DULL! Is Miss Tickle His Pickle seriously advocating a dry hand job? At least with a dry hump there’s some humping motion happening.
Lightly or otherwise, slapping a guy’s johnson is about as sexy as an enema. We’re not trying to find a vein for a heroin injection here. Or are we?
Tapping it back and forth ain’t gonna fly, either. It’s a dick, not a paddle ball game. And pinching anything in that area is akin to provoking a pit bull.
♥ Excerpts from Step 2: Ramp It Up
“Variety is the key at this stage,” Allison says. “Switching your grip or rhythm every 30 or 60 seconds not only keeps him guessing but also shows you’re enthusiastic—a huge turn-on.”
Create a ring around the base of his penis by touching your thumb and forefinger together to form an “okay” sign. Squeeze steadily using mild pressure, or squeeze and release rapidly for a vibrating sensation. “This traps blood flow, increasing sensitivity,” Kerner says.
Firmly press his nerve-rich perineum, the swath of skin between his boys and his anus. Grip his inner thighs, pull on his pubic hair, or massage the skin around his penis.
No, switching grips doesn’t show that you’re enthusiastic. It shows that you have ADD. Here’s an idea for what to do in the next 30 or 60 seconds: Start having sex.
The phrase “traps blood flow” should never factor into a discussion about foreplay. How about in response to that suggestion I raise my middle finger to form a “fuck you” sign?
Press on his taint? Pull on his pubes? Let’s leave the professional wrestling tactics out of this, mmmkay?
♥ Excerpts from Step 3: Work the Grand Finale
Now, focus on the head of his penis, which has more nerve endings than any other area does and craves extra stimulation as he approaches orgasm, according to Kerner.
When he comes—this part is crucial—don’t stop until he pulls your hand away.
He’ll thank you for bringing back the old-school handy—with a serious bang.
Chances are he’ll have pulled your hand away long before he comes.
The only bang you’ll experience is the sound of the door slamming shut behind him after he walks out.