It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.
This time I offer my take on “Guys Rate 50 Sex Moves” from the August 2011 issue.
♥ Cosmo Headline/Summary
Guys Rate 50 Sex Moves
For really pulse-pounding sex, you know it’s good to mix it up and try new things. But as you’re, say, pouring hot wax on a guy’s chest, you’re probably wondering, just how much he’s into it. Now the guessing game is over. We polled thousands of guys to learn exactly what techniques turn them on and which tank.
♠ Dirty Martini’s Take
This article offers up 50 scenarios under the headings of Seduction, Kissing, Foreplay, Oral, Sex and Naughty Bonus Moves. Next to each is a key that indicates which of these three classifications it received from the majority of guys polled:
“Go for it; that’s amazingly hot.”
“Eh, I could take it or leave it.”
“Whoa, please skip it.”
In the spirit of giving credit where it’s due, it appears that Cosmo really did ask men for their opinions rather than have some female staffers make them up. To wit, “Asking him to finish on your breasts,” “Keeping his penis in your mouth after he climaxes, and continuing to suck on it lightly” and “Suggesting a threesome with you and another girl” all got the “Go for it” symbol, whereas “Giving him a hickey,” “Demanding that he scream your name midsex” and “Suggesting a threesome with you and another guy” all got the “Please skip it” symbol. Sounds about right to me.
What I will address are the five scenarios that got the “Take it or leave it” symbol (interestingly, none were under the Foreplay, Sex or Naughty Bonus Moves headings). Since no man should be an indecisive fence-sitter (and every man should live by Yoda’s “do or do not, there is no try” mantra) here’s why each of those scenarios should have fallen squarely on the “Skip it” side.
• Putting on a playlist of slow love songs to set the mood
Screw that. Instead, put on a playlist of songs like this that reflect the mood I just set with my preferred presex ritual of honking up a few power snakes of class-A yayo:
• Decorating the bed with rose petals and lighting a bunch of candles
Screw that too. Dump a layer of these on the mattress, however, and you might capture my attention:
• Running your tongue back and forth along the roof of his mouth
Five words: Are you fucking kidding me?
• Kissing his ear and then blowing on it
You’re on the right track with the “blowing” bit. Now just head a little further south.
• Kissing his lips immediately after you finish going down on him
I’ll let this like-minded fella who calls himself The Stallion do the talking for me on this topic: