Disasterpiece Theater Presents…The Computer of Death

computer of death marquee

Welcome to Disasterpiece Theater Presents…, a weekly feature in which the dedicated staff of TSJ review some of the greatest films of all time. Of course, by “weekly feature” we mean “we’ll do this sporadically provided we remember” and when we say “greatest films of all time” we actually mean “films no sane person would ever sit through willingly.”

For the premier installment of Disasterpiece Theater Presents… we turn to the wacky world of homemade Greek action movies, a genre which apparently exists, to bring you a film that we still have trouble believing was actually bankrolled and completed. Ladies and gentlemen, meet The Computer of Death.

Exactly how we came to discover this delicious slice of Greek insanity is still the subject of much debate around the office. Some claim that we just happened to stumble upon a website that, thankfully, has preserved this 1980′s no budget classic for future generations to see. That’s certainly believable. How else would we have found this impossible to decipher plot summary?

The Paris arrows (Akis Florence) having tired of the same and the same games on his computer, trying to build something revolutionary for humanity: a game where the player enters into the computer and playing himself. The impressive sound is just as dangerous as it is likely game over means and actual death of player who if he wants to save his life is asked to stop the passing game difficult tracks like “vodka to death,” faced with punks, “the best joke “,” strip poker “and many more …

You understood all that, right? Yeah, neither did we. Our rough interpretation of this massacre of the English language goes something like “hey, that guy is all up in his computer!” So it’s kind of like Tron, except far less believable.

But there are others who dispute the “we just found it on the internet” theory in favor of a more troubling prospect. Could it be that this “movie” is actually just one part of a larger collective acid trip that we’ve all somehow fallen into together? No, that’s retarded. But this batshit insane (and ten goddamn minutes long) extended trailer certainly makes it seem like a possibility.

We understand that you may be pressed for time and therefore unable to sit through what amounts to a ten minute YouTube hallucination, so allow us to present just a few of the insane highlights using the magic of space age screen capture technology.

Where the Hell Are These Two Going?

computer of deathA passing glance at the above scene would lead a person to believe that this poor lady is being chased by some sex and murder crazed creep. Quite to the contrary though, watching the scene in its entirety reveals two things:

  1. Whatever is happening, she’s enjoying the hell out of it. Smiles don’t lie.
  2. Whatever is happening, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that follows.

For serious, at no point is it ever explained why these two are running or where they’re headed to. The shit just kind of ends and, before you know it, the man in hot pursuit is sitting in his car wearing completely different clothing, blissfully unaware that the rest of us are still waiting for some kind of insight into why we just sat through a solid minute of watching two people casually exercise.

Subtitles? We Don’t Need No Stinking Subtitles!

subtitlesWe’re totally joking. If ever there was a time when subtitles are needed, this is it. Basically, that adorable dinosaur of a computer is saying something. We like to imagine that everything we need to know about this film can be found in the sage words of that computer, but judging from the rest of the trailer, we have our doubts. We should probably just add our own subtitles if we hope for any of this to ever make sense to anyone.

SubtitlesMuch better.

And Remember, Don’t Be a Dick to the Help

workAfter a few seconds of incessant computer babbling, the guy from the useless jogging intro shows up and starts trading barbs with what we now believe may be his work computer, provided he’s employed in a field that requires a person to angrily talk to machines. At this point, we’re pretty sure this guy is supposed to be the hero of the story, but we have a hard time warming up to him once a completely innocent cleaning lady shows up. We have no idea what he says to her, but we’re sure he was a total dick about it.

angryIn fact, he keeps that same dickhead expression on his face no matter who he’s talking to. This guy is a surly asshole who deserves to be murdered by his computer. Not to worry though, he’ll get his soon enough. We think.

Bond? James Bond?

James BondWhat you’re looking at is apparently what happens when a computer goes rogue and starts swallowing fools. Either that, or this movie was recorded over some old school James Bond video game (on floppy disc, no doubt) and this scene just didn’t get erased properly. What are the chances this is an officially licensed use of the James Bond image? If we’re betting, our money says those chances are mighty slim indeed.

Whatever the case, once this shit hits the fan, dude is gone. If it weren’t for the title of this increasingly bizarre flick, we’d have no clue that he’s actually inside the computer now, but we’ve at least pieced together that much of the mystery. As for what happens next, well, we’re still struggling to work that out.

Deerhunter Called, It Wants Its Ending Back

Ok, we’ve reached the dramatic cliffhanger of an ending. We don’t want to give away too much and spoil the surprise, so we’ll just ask you this…have you ever seen the movie Deerhunter? Oh, you have? Well, shit, looks like we just gave away the ending. Sorry about that.

Don’t let our spoiler keep you from watching though. The sound effects used when that handgun finally goes off are worth the nearly ten minute wait (or the six seconds it will take you to forward to the end). We can best describe it as “Saturday morning cartoon like” with, and this is the best part, an inexplicable ricochet noise that isn’t usually a hallmark of a point blank shot to the temple. It has to be heard to be truly appreciated.

Even more awesomely, what we’ve described here is just ten or so minutes of a solid 90 minute lunacy fest. Do yourself a favor and download the whole thing here. Our words could never do this disasterpiece justice. You really need to experience it for yourself.