Chick Flicks With Dicks

Ah, chick flicks. Those pandering pieces of celluloid crap that females flock to and heterosexual men would knock down their own mothers to avoid. But those same heterosexual men, if they’re worth their salt, will tell you there’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a little creativity. So we decided to MacGyver the plots of six notorious chick flicks and turn them into movies that any dude would be proud to have in his Netflix queue.

Must Love Reservoir Dogs

OLD PLOT: A recently divorced thirty-something preschool teacher goes on a series of outrageous and hilarious dates after her sister puts her profile on a matchmaking website. Romantic shenanigans ensue, but will she be ever find Mr. Right, who must love dogs?

NEW PLOT: A newly single woman rolls the dice and places a personal ad in the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist. After receiving several replies she stages her own speed dating scenario at a local restaurant, where she engages her candidates in a spirited discussion about tipping before ending up embroiled in an elaborate jewel heist gone horribly wrong. But will she find true love with Mr. Blonde, a renegade ex-con with a disembodied ear fetish?

Legally Blonde Bloodsport

OLD PLOT: A ditzy California party girl aces her admissions test and follows her wealthy ex-boyfriend to Harvard Law School, where she unexpectedly thrives in the academic environment and falls in love with a young teacher’s assistant.

NEW PLOT: A Beverly Hills glamour queen enrolls in Harvard Law School to win back her ex-boyfriend, only to discover that he’s dropped out and is training for a secret, full-contact martial arts competition. The sight of him fighting on a blood-stained white canvas prompts her to move back to LA and begin her inevitable career as a hair stylist. He surprisingly wins the tournament by pummeling the defending champion, a steroids-infused Chinese behemoth.

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Diner

OLD PLOT: An emotionally repressed housewife with a habit of drowning her sorrows in candy bars learns the value of friendship as she hears the story of two women and how their relationship shaped their lives in this warm comedy-drama.

NEW PLOT: The quaint female bonding scenes at the Whistle Stop Café (including the lesbian action that was in the book but was written out of the movie) are sullied by six twenty-something dudes loudly discussing their desires to bang women outside their marriages, the benefits of choosing potential brides based on their knowledge of football, and the feasibility of having a fuck buddy.

The Devil Wears Prada With a Vengeance

OLD PLOT: A young woman graduates college and is hired as a personal assistant to the bitchy editor of a female fashion magazine. She spends her days enduring insults about her body and doing the most demeaning tasks imaginable in order to get ahead.

NEW PLOT: The fashion magazine editor unwittingly puts a Colombian drug lord in her fashion “don’ts.” He takes her offices hostage and threatens to blow everyone up unless he gets a pair of ultra-rare blue-and-red Bugs Bunny Air Jordan VIIIs. Posing as a shoe salesman, Bruce Willis infiltrates the office and strangles the drug lord with a Gucci 30 carat diamond belt.

Sleepers in Seattle

OLD PLOT: A middle-aged widower’s quest for a new soul mate is aided by a nationally syndicated radio program and his young son’s desire to have a new mother.

NEW PLOT: Depressed over his mother’s death and his father’s inability to find love again, a boy turns to rebellion, stealing a hot dog cart with his friends and accidentally killing someone by rolling it down the stairs of a subway station. They are sentenced to a detention center and subjected to all manner of depravity, only to emerge 10 years later to exact revenge on the sadistic bastards who shattered their youth.

The Bridges of Madison County on the River Kwai

OLD PLOT: A married woman living in 1960s Iowa engages in an affair with a National Geographic photographer who is visiting Madison County in order to create a photographic essay on the covered bridges in the area.

NEW PLOT: Battlefield flashbacks overwhelm a drifter and WWII veteran who is unnecessarily hassled by a power-hungry sheriff while passing through Madison County, Iowa. He proceeds to blow up all of the historical covered bridges in the area to inhibit the transport of Japanese munitions before his old commander is called in to help put a stop to his campaign of mayhem and destruction.

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