Can I Borrow Your Penis?

As a semi-newbie 20 something living in Los Angeles, CA there are some key experiences that you anticipate… The view during your first trek up Runyon Canyon, your first Spiderman sighting on Hollywood Blvd., your first taste of pancakes from The Griddle Cafe, and your first trip to The Playboy Mansion.

As I kept to myself on the rowdy shuttle full of some of Playboy’s finest golf Gods dawning their epic green robes and grins, I couldn’t help but feel like I was on my way to DisneyLand. Ancient rumors of the infamous palace flooded my skull. Would I need a hazmat suit? Does Charlie Sheen have his own wing? Has a member of NSync had premarital relations in The Grotto? And does Hef really lurk through events on his property and have his people collect the contact info of the prettiest girls for future business? Was this an unintentional audition?

I had hoped so. As we were loaded off of the bus and showed our wristbands to the friendly looking guards, I was overcome with the realization that I had over dressed.

Blond hair, red hair, brown hair, black hair. Some of the most beautiful women you have ever seen lined the pool to greet the guests. With fluffy tails on their briefs, they giggled and bounced as you made eye contact. I couldn’t tell if the bouncing was choreographed or if they were legitimately cold due to the rainy weather. I used the weather as an excuse to excessively bounce myself, so I was not there to judge.

To try to compete with the goddesses that floated around Hef’s backyard was impossible. Why look at the girl in the blazer when there are bare boobs at every corner. The body painted bunnies were exquisite down to their teeny painted thongs. The way the women casually communicated with the eager golfers was empowering. Boobs just’a blazin’ discussing the current state of the economy with older gentlemen that would probably allow them to talk about whatever they wanted… Including their Justin Bieber ringtones.

Playboy’s Golf Finals are definitely a guy’s All Access pass to the mansion and all of it’s perks. It’s not every day that you can sit across from Golf’s Hottest Heartbreaker, Sophie Horn… In lingerie – MIND YOU.

Hal Sparks was my favorite celebrity run in. He spoke about how lucky he was to be a comedian. Getting away with whatever you want. No judgment. Where as actors like Charlie Sheen are crucified for their sins (until their sins turn them into a comedian).

My Corey Feldman encounter was interesting. He was extremely impressed with how young he still looks. I concurred. I didn’t recognize much of the athletes but I know I talked Texas with a Dallas Cowboy (editor’s note: Terence Newman).

Playboy Golf has done an excellent job of catering to all things man from the delicious lamb burgers, the strong bevies, the consistent nudity throughout the evening, and the mansion. For one night only… you gentlemen… Get to live the dream.

Next time I want on the inside. I imagine snuggling with Hef would suffice. Until then, I dream of The Grotto and the naughtiness I witnessed inside!

Click here for even more photos from the Playboy Golf weekend.

Kinsey Schofield is a TV personality, writer, and world renowned Etch A Sketch artist.