What the Hell is Going on in Arkansas?

Well, the New Year is certainly off to an ominous start. You’ve probably already heard that just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, at least one thousand birds fell dead from the sky. But it doesn’t even kind of stop there. Officials are now putting the number of dead birds at closer to 5,000. FIVE THOUSAND!

But wait, there’s more! Now, at least 100,000 dead fish have washed up on the shores of the Arkansas River all in one 20-mile stretch. This particular sign of the apocalypse happened just 100 miles from the dead bird incident. Scientists assure us that the massive bird die-off isn’t nearly as odd as it seems and is probably the result of high altitude hail, a lightning strike or even fireworks.

That’s great, science, but fireworks don’t kill goddamn fish, do they? To add an even more ominous note to the dead fish story, it turns out all of the deceased are drum fish, which are bottom feeders that feed on…wait for it…other fish. You know who else eats fish? Humans, that’s who.

Seriously, it was nice knowing you Arkansas. Here’s hoping the government swoops in and quarantines whatever it is that’s about to destroy you all. Happy New Year!