Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories We’d Trade for a Free Tattoo


On Memorial Day we stopped to honor the veterans who served the country and the death Ohio State football program.

Jim Tressel resigned, Terrell Pryor is reportedly driving around in cars that belong to car dealers, and just about every other player is trading memorabilia for tattoos.

My parents always told me tattoos were a life-long decision and to think hard about getting one. Someone should have told Jim Tressel that violating all sorts of NCAA rules goes kinda the same way.

And I mean, come on people, have you ever met a really trustworthy, upstanding guy in a sweater vest? Take for example the time noted sweater vest-wearer Doug Funnie blatantly lied to Connie saying he had to take care of his uncle Melvin and couldn’t go to the dance with her — he doesn’t even have an uncle Melvin! — while in reality he just wanted to go with Patti Mayonnaise. And then they drove off in their “loaned” cars and sold their class rings to Roger Klotz for tattoos. It’s pretty much the same thing.

Here are the other stories from this week we’d trade for tattoos (click each pic to read the full story).

1. Jim Tressel Resigns


Now Michigan has no excuse for not winning other than the fact that they have a terrible program.

2. The Dallas Mavericks Play the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals


This is the first time America will collectively be rooting for a German since…ever.

3. The Atlanta Thrashers Move to Winnipeg


If we can only get the Kings to bring back the Gretzky-era jerseys, hockey’s core fan group raised on NHL’93 might start paying attention again.

4. The Vancouver Canucks play the Boston Bruins in the NHL Finals


Thousands of sports fans will briefly tune in to see if Pavel Bure or Cam Neely is still playing. They’re not.

5. Barcelona Beats Manchester United in a Soccer Game


From what I gather, Lionel Richie was involved somehow.

6. Buster Posey Gets Run Over, Breaks His Leg


If only he were involved in a bench-clearing brawl he would have walked away completely unscathed.

7. Jose Bautista is the First to 20 Homers


He’s also the first player to find a genie.

8. Infielder Wilson Valdez Gets a Win for the Cincinnati Reds


Seriously, there is nothing better in sports than a position player pitching. Except Jose Bautista. He’s so good.

9. Lakers Name Mike Brown Coach

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Meanwhile, Kobe names Mike Brown “that coach I’m going to quit on.”

10. That One Race Car Guy Crashed and Lost the Indianapolis 500 on the Final Turn


Not sure what’s more embarrassing: That he crashed and blew the race or that he was actually in the Indianapolis 500. Once again they didn’t take my advice of making the race more interesting by replacing the race track and cars with a court and basketballs.