In today’s shorthand, BFF stands for “best friend forever.” As you’re about to read, BFF also stands for “Benjamin Fucking Franklin.” You see, the middle name “Fucking” is reserved for the baddest of the bad, the coolest of the cool, and the people who simply “get it.” Benjamin Fucking Franklin qualifies on all counts, and not because he discovered electricity, served as one of the founding fathers of the greatest nation on earth or appears on everyone’s favorite denomination of U.S. currency.
No, he’s Benjamin Fucking Franklin because this vigorous, straightforward letter he wrote to a friend in 1745 demonstrates a centuries-ahead-of-its-time awareness of something that’s become common knowledge among modern men and anyone who watches Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives: Older women fucking rule.
Let’s analyze this masterwork of observation piece by piece, beginning with the intro. Here, the original BFF shows himself to be like a modern BFF by not raining on his buddy’s parade and pissing on his decision to enter into marriage, an institution he clearly advocates for a variety of lucid, intelligent, well-thought-out reasons.
My dear Friend: I know of no medicine fit to diminish the violent natural inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper remedy. It is the most natural state of man, and therefore the state in which you are most likely to find solid happiness. Your reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well founded. The circumstantial advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the man and woman united that make the complete human being. Separate, she wants his force of body and strength of reason; he, her fitness, sensibility, and acute discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the world. A single man has not nearly the Value he would have in the state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors. If you get a prudent healthy wife, your industry in your profession, with her good economy, will be a fortune sufficient.
Next comes what’s now known as the “having said that moment,” where BFF’s letter takes a turn toward awesome.
But if you will not take this counsel and persist in thinking a commerce with the sex inevitable, then I repeat my former advice, that in all your amours you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these:
Now for the bullet points, each one of them spot-on and followed by a TSJ translation for the benefit of those who are confused by colonial-speak.
Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
Translation: They have some life experience under their belts and won’t bore you with arcane discussion topics like how great last night’s episode of Glee was or how kickass Lady Gaga’s latest single is.
Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.
Translation: When women advance in age and start to lose their looks, they’re more inclined to remain in your good graces by doing your laundry, slathering you in Vicks VapoRub when you’re ill and, yes, continuing to fuck your brains out even after they’re pretty sure you’re committed to them.
Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much inconvenience.
Translation: He’s talking about a post-menopausal woman here, which on the surface seems a tad too old. But far be it for us to question the advice of BFF, so we’ll use Rue McClanahan on The Golden Girls as a case in point. If you say you wouldn’t have tapped that, you’re a goddamn liar.
Because through more experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old woman, who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.
Translation: An older woman is hip to the concept of decorum and won’t call unnecessary attention to herself or you under any circumstance. She won’t Tweet about every intimate detail of your relationship when things are going well, and she won’t beat the shit out of you in the driveway with a golf club when you piss her off. As for the rest if it, as long as she doesn’t pull a Mary Kay Letourneau and commit statutory rape, a woman is regarded as vibrant and nurturing when she’s taking care of a younger guy by eliminating his need to prowl around for gold-diggin’ whores.
Because in every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the neck; then the breast and arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever; so that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.
Translation: They all look and feel like Megan Fox when the lights are off.
Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.
Translation: Being a girl’s first is much more exciting in theory than in practice. Unless, of course, you’re 14.
Because the compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflection; none of which can attend the making an old woman happy.
Translation: There’s too much baggage in the aftermath of being in a relationship with a younger woman. If that baggage weighs on your mind to the extent that you can’t service a cougar to her satisfaction, you’re doubly screwed.
8thly and lastly. They are so grateful!
Translation: An older woman usually has a will, ideally one that names you as the primary (if not sole) beneficiary of her vast estate as a show of gratitude for the sexual favors that brightened her golden years.
Finally, we have the closing, which contains the only mistake in this entire letter.
Thus much for my paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly;
Your affectionate friend,
What’s the mistake, you ask? He should have signed it:
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