Nostalgia is a funny thing. It can place a D-List celebrity at the top of your personal A-List. Dennis Haskins, who will forever be remembered as the man who played Richard Belding aka The Big Bopper on Saved By The Bell and Saved By the Bell: The New Class, is now hosting night club events around the country. Recently, our intern Jake heard that the former Bayside principal would be at McFadden’s Pub in Chicago, and they were kind enough to VIP a few of us so we could meet the man and hopefully catch a glimpse of girls throwing themselves at him. (Check out the gallery at the end of the post for a peek at our adventures.)
We did spend a little time with Haskins, who’s actually a really good dude in person, and a far cry from the man who used to regularly discipline Zack Morris. Once he was introduced by the DJ (who was dressed in full Bayside themed attire), Mr. Belding just threw himself out into the dance floor and was subsequently mauled by college cuties. Not a bad gig at all.
However, as we indulged in overpriced beverages with some of our nation’s most studious undergraduates, we started to wonder about the other pseudo celebrities that would be fun to party with. You know, the people who have absolutely no relevance in today’s pop culture landscape but still evoke fond memories from childhood. Without further ado, here are our picks for the D-Listers we’d want to grab a drink with.
Any man who can spark an international hip-hop phenomenon with the lyric “she had dumps like a truck” is somebody we want to hang out with. Sure, it’s been more than a decade since the “Thong Song” blew up the charts, but Sisqo is still a funny looking dude who knows how to throw down.
He’d probably show up sporting his trademark silver hair and yellow pants, and immediately begin an hour long display of the cheesiest dance moves known to man.
Don’t forget, he hasn’t had a hit in years, but girls still probably show him their thongs with regularity. He might be the only man in America sanctioned to see every woman’s underwear, even if they are in a relationship. If he’s left the house every day since “Thong Song” was released in 1999, Sisqo’s likely seen at least 4015 thongs (a VERY conservative one thong per day estimate over 11 years.). This cannot result in a bad happy hour.
And then there’s always the chance that the other founding members of Dru Hill might show up. You know, their names. Umm… And, uh… Well, maybe not, but who cares.
If Mr. Belding was a father figure to a generation of youth, Christopher Lloyd is the grandfather. The man’s resume boats some of the most iconic performances of all time, including Professor Plum in Clue, Judge Doom in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Uncle Fester in The Addams Family, Switchblade Sam in Dennis the Menace, Dennis Van Welker in Camp Nowhere (a criminally underrated performance) and Al the “Boss” Angel in a bunch of Angels in the Outfield films. Did we forget anything?
Oh yeah! This guy is the motherfucking inventor of the flux capacitor and time travel itself. Okay fine, maybe if you wanted to have a serious chat about time travel or wormholes it might be smarter to wish for a chance to down a few with Albert Einstein, Boris Podolsky, or Nathan Rosen, but they’d probably drone on about physics and math and quantum entanglement. Does anyone give half a shit about some paradox that may or may not make time travel possible? No. Boring. Drinking with Doctor Emmett “Doc” Brown and talking about gigawatts and hoverboards would be a blast. It would never get too studious either. This guy explained alternate realities in 30 seconds with two lines on a chalkboard, let’s see Einstein do that.
Plus, as we saw in Back to the Future 3, this guy is a lightweight. One single shot and he passed right out back in 1885, meaning we’d happily spring for drinks.
We’re going with a two-fer here: the ultimate combo for access to all the Saved by the Bell and Beverly Hills 90210 minutia you could ever dream for. Remember, Spelling briefly played Screech’s girlfriend on Saved By The Bell and Tiffani Amber Thiessen transformed her wholesome Kelly Kapowski image into a darker, sluttier role on 90210.
Spelling is a bit of gamble for this endeavor, because there’s the potential that she’s one of the most annoying people of all time to drink with. It’s also possible that her God-awful husband Dean will show up. Then again, her presence is needed if we’re going to have the whole bar get up and chant “Donna Martin graduates.”
Thiessen is a safer choice—she’s aged beautifully and it’d be interesting to see if her actual personality is at all reminiscent of everyone’s favorite nice girl Kelly Kapowski or whether she’s more like her naughtier primetime character Valerie Malone.
Anything, everything. He was awesome. Rather than specialize in one area, he decided to excel at literally all facets of life. As we recall, he played professional football, baseball, and probably a million other sports. It is likely he might have invented a sport or two we don’t know about yet. We’re talking about a guy with the fastest 40-yard dash in NFL history and an amazing ability to steal every base he could possibly find. In the NES game “Tecmo Bowl,” he’s arguably the greatest football player in video game history. He also fought crime on Saturday mornings in the cartoon ProStars along with Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan. Imagine the women he must turn away.
All this means one thing, Bo has to have stories like no man on earth. He rubbed elbows with professional athletes in multiple sports. His TV stardom and commercial success with Nike gave him cache in Hollywood circles. Hell, he allegedly popped his own hip back into place after suffering a hit that ended his football career. That’s the kind of guy you want on your side in case a bar fight of some kind breaks out.
Maybe you know the name, maybe not, but Danica is the actress behind the Winnie Cooper character on The Wonder Years and yes, she’s still alive and totally worthy of having a beer with. Since the show went off the air, Danica has written two books about mathematics – exactly TWO more books than anyone on staff here has written about ANYTHING, let alone mathematics – while still finding time to dabble in acting and modeling.
So we have a cool, hot, smart girl that was amazing enough to keep Kevin Arnold obsessed year after year? We’d gladly bone up on algebra, geometry, and calculus for the opportunity to grab a drink with Danica.