Beauty vs. The Beast – Fantasy Football Tournament – Week 5

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Editor’s Note: The Smoking Jacket’s intern Jake likes to run his mouth about his Fantasy Football prowess here in the office. We thought we’d give him the chance to fall flat on his face and be embarrassed by two of the hottest fantasy football players in the world and hosts of Fantasy Fantasy Football on Sirius Playboy Radio: Pilar Lastra and Deanna Brooks. Every Friday we’ll post how each team fared the week before (with standard ESPN scoring) and list the rosters for the following Sunday. Players will be selected in a draft prior to that week’s games. Trash talking is definitely expected and highly encouraged.

I knew that ranking fantasy football ahead of organized religion on my priorities list would eventually pay off. I finally beat Pilar and Deanna, thanks in large part to Antonio Gates’ freakishly large hands and incredible production so far in 2010 (he’s on pace for 24 touchdowns).You may remember that we’re now betting on each week, and luckily for all of us, the girls’ loss meant they had to spice up their weekly video. And they delivered, big time. Check this thing out; it’s freaking awesome. You’re welcome.

Here’s the week 4 scoreboard:

Jake the Intern’s complete Week 4 lineup:
QB: Peyton Manning 20 pts
RB: Michael Turner 7 pts
RB: Darren McFadden 12 pts
WR: Randy Moss 0 pts
WR: Reggie Wayne 17 pts
TE: Antonio Gates 26 pts
Defense: New York Jets 8 pts
Kicker: Mason Crosby 4 pts

Total: 94 pts

Pilar and Deanna’s complete Week 4 lineup:
QB: Aaron Rodgers 17 pts
RB: Chris Johnson 4 pts
RB: Arian Foster 30 pts
WR: Austin Collie 9 pts
WR: Roscoe Parrish 0 pts (suckas)
TE: Jermichael Finley 9 pts
Defense: Green Bay Packers 14 pts
Kicker: Robbie Gould 4 pts

Total: 87 pts

Before we get to our picks, it’s time to discuss terms for next week. In the strong likelihood that I win again, the girls will have to switch roles in their video, with Deanna doing the talking and Pilar entertaining us with some background dancing. If for some reason I get beat for the fourth time in five weeks, I’ll gladly either perform a dramatic reading from Twilight or run a 40-yard-dash after eating donuts. The girls will decide which scenario they’d prefer.

Anyway, you may have noticed that I was victorious despite a zero catch performance from future Hall of Famer Randy Moss. As you already know, the perennial All-Pro was traded from the Patriots to the Vikings this week after the receiver grew frustrated with his contract situation.

Under the leadership of Bill Belichick, the Patriots have refused to finalize new contracts with players until their existing ones are expired. Of course, exceptions are made for Tom Brady, who seems to have a spiritually close relationship with his head coach.


"Tom is just so great and handsome. Who's that Randy guy?"

The Pats will regret not re-signing Moss, especially when they discover that moving the ball is a lot harder without a freak athlete who can draw mad amounts of attention from opposing defensive backs. As a result, Wes Welker fantasy owners should be very afraid. The little slot receiver will probably get more targets, but it’ll be irrelevant if he’s constantly blanketed by the other team’s best cornerback. Plus, this receiving group is quickly becoming the Larry Bird all-stars of the NFL. Just sayin’.

There’s just not enough talent on this New England team to win the Super Bowl, and if the organization wanted to hoist another Lombardi trophy in the near future, it would have been wise to keep their most dangerous offensive weapon.

Onto the week 5 picks:

Jake the Intern’s complete Week 5 lineup:
QB: Peyton Manning
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew
RB: Arian Foster
WR: Reggie Wayne
WR: Miles Austin
TE: Jermichael Finley
Defense: Cincinnati Bengals
Kicker: Nate Kaeding
Pilar and Deanna’s complete Week 5 lineup:
QB: Drew Brees
RB: Frank Gore
RB: Ryan Mathews
WR: Randy Moss
WR: Roddy White
TE: Antonio Gates
Defense: New Orleans Saints
Kicker: Lawrence Tynes