Six Horrible Lessons Learned From One Episode of Baywatch

Baywatch Pinball

In honor of Sunday’s Roast of David Hasselhoff, Comedy Central filled most of the time slots leading up to the broadcast with classic episodes of Baywatch. Because the remote was way across the room and the odds of seeing several slo-mo shots of an in-her-prime Pamela Anderson running on the beach were in our favor, we decided to settle in and enjoy the marathon.

What we found is that Baywatch is still every bit as enjoyable as it was back when it was on the air. That’s except for the parts where the show is teaching you how to be a douchebag or the best way to get yourself killed, of course.

Here are six of those moments as found in just one episode of Baywatch…

6 Nicole Eggert Can’t Be Trusted With Her Own Fitness

Nicole Eggert Baywatch

This remarkably ironic scene begins with Nicole Eggert doing the Baywatch rumble down the beach when Pamela Anderson suddenly pulls up next to her in a company truck and starts berating her about having an eating problem. Nicole Eggert swears it’s all shenanigans and that she has no time to talk because she has another 200 calories to burn and must keep running. But Pam knows it’s all lies, probably because Nicole is wearing a black bathing suit and C.J. was a total racist.

Pamela Anderson Baywatch

Eventually, word of the alleged eating disorder has spread throughout the entire beach by way of dialogue like this, approximately 50% of which is actual dialogue from the episode.

Pamela Anderson Closeup

Well guess what, Baywatch, you might think you were doing the right thing by micromanaging Nicole Eggert’s weight loss plans, but we’re afraid history has proven you wrong. Why? Because the last time the world saw Nicole Eggert, it was like this…

Nicole Eggert Celebrity Fit Club

That’s right, Baywatch do-gooders, she’s on VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club now. Way to subliminally write that plot line into her life.

Is 130 pounds morbidly obese? No, not by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed by, say, not getting all up in someone’s shit every time they refuse a cookie or decide to jog an extra ten minutes.

If we had to guess, we’d say that plot line was probably the result of some kind of moral outrage about Pamela Anderson setting the body image bar ridiculously high. While it’s certainly an interesting way to address the issue, it likely just confused the shit out of women the world over.  After all, can you tell who has the obvious eating problem here?

Nicole Eggert Pamela Anderson Baywatch

L-R: Perfect, Perfect, Horrifyingly Thin

5 Homosexuality is Curable

Baywatch Studs

During a particularly entertaining exchange between Nicole Eggert and the woman who apparently gave birth to her at the age of six, it’s revealed that Eggert’s character suspects something about the above photo that nature has known for years…those dudes like dudes.

But holy plot twist, she’s in the throes of a bulimia inducing love triangle with them also! Quick, is this pained expression the result of confusion over which guy to try and flip first, or because there is a jar of cookies within eye shot?

Goddamn you, Baywatch.

Anyway, like we said before, this scene isn’t about ballooning to a semi-healthy weight, this is about a girl in love with two guys who she thinks might dig each other more than they dig her. The subliminal message at work here?

Strike the right balance between unhealthy obsession with body weight and overconfidence in your power as a woman, you too can cure homosexuality. Come on, Baywatch, that’s some total Kirk Cameron shit.

4 When Fleeing From Police, Use Proper Form

Baywatch Dive

Running from the authorities is a tricky proposition. On the one hand, f*ck the police, right? If you see an opening, make a break for it. On the other hand, they have guns and helicopters and all you have are the decision making skills that landed you in prison and whatever crude digging implement you used to tunnel your way to freedom. With odds like those stacked against you, it’s probably best to just hang out until they give you the ok to return to whatever shambles of a life you still have after 20 years in prison.

But nevertheless, people every year decide to risk it and run from the law. If any of those people watched this episode of Baywatch, then they learned a valuable lesson, one that we probably shouldn’t be sending to hardened criminals with designs on a violent escape.

What is Baywatch teaching them? That the only thing separating them from a life of freedom is proper technique.

Do you see that dipshit in mid-belly flop up there in the picture at the beginning of this entry? That guy is escaping from what appears to be the most luxurious prison on the west coast. He literally got out through a sliding patio door that was conveniently located just steps away from a series of roofs, each one lower to the ground than the next, thus making getting away fast and easy. By the time the guards were onto him, he was already hightailing it towards a waiting boat. Everything is going good so far, right?

Right, it’s going great. And then this happens.

Baywatch Guns

Baywatch Escape

Baywatch Shooting

Can you guess who employed proper firearm fundamentals in the above series of photos?  It’s certainly not the maniac with the Jack Black grin who, up to that point, had been spending all of his time haphazardly letting off shots with an amateurish one handed grip that is usually reserved for universal remote controls. But you know what? If it ever comes to pass that we just have to be shot at, we’d very much prefer the psycho who doesn’t know what he’s doing over the calm and level headed trained professional.

That’s why we have a problem with this scene. Did the guy need to be shot? Of course, drama is the shit. But did legions of stone killers everywhere need to happen upon this scene and in a matter of seconds learn a valuable lesson in shootout discipline? That shit is for the people protecting us to know, Baywatch, not the people trying to kill us.

Who knows how many prison escape plans were hatched with that one closeup of an ice water veined prison security guard ready to kill like a professional? Let’s just hope those killers also picked up on the other, less valuable insight passed on in this scene.

Baywatch Boat

For an inconspicuous exit, use an electric blue speedboat.

3 Entering a Water Filled Cave is a Good Idea

Water Cave

This is pretty cut and dry. No matter what Baywatch tells you, don’t swim into goddamn caves. For one thing, it might look like you’re just going to duck your head a little bit and swim right in, but you’re not. It’s never that. It’s this.

It’s swimming underwater for like fifteen minutes while you and your adventure seeking pals feel around for a place to not drown. Why would you want to do that? Consider that horrible Baywatch lesson 3a) no matter what Baywatch may imply, it’s highly unlikely you’ve been living the kind of life that leads to a person being able to hold their breath for any respectable length of time. Go rent a fucking cabana if you need a roof over your head. Don’t swim into goddamn caves. If you do, rest assured this is going to happen.

Baywatch Tentacles

That thing might look like a vag, but it’s no pussy. That’s a whole bunch of human teeth and a whole lot of tentacles and it’s waiting for you in a water cave. Just ask poor Nicole Eggert, who is in the midst of the worst week a person has ever had in Baywatch history during this entire episode (naturally, the episode is called “Tentacles”).

Baywatch Tentacles

Pictured: What happens when you don’t eat enough.

2 After Narrowly Escaping the Clutches of a Murderous Sea Beast, Take Some Time to Discuss How You’re Feeling

Baywatch Tentacles

Don’t worry, Eggertistas, Nicole is fine. One of the gay dudes she’s in love with saved her. With a knife. He swam underwater with a fricken knife and literally cut her from the clutches of a blubbery killing machine. He did that. For her. Remember that for later.

In the meantime, keeping in mind that you’ve just escaped certain death at the hands of a Baywatch monster, would you stick around and reminisce about it or would you bounce? You don’t have to decide now, but if you ever do have to choose, do so wisely. Your answer determines whether or not this will happen.

Baywatch Tentacles

Shit.

1 If That Guy Wanted to Live, He Wouldn’t Have Stuck Around to Save You

Baywatch Tentacles

So about that guy, the one who saved Nicole Eggert. After the group’s collective horrible decision to sit around discussing their near death experience while death was still very near, he ended up having to save her again. As you may have noticed from the above picture, shit didn’t go too well. While Nicole and that other guy who I’m positive is either named Blake or Slade look on in supposed horror, the hero finds himself being pulled underwater.

Baywatch Nicole Eggert

Because our hero follows the hero handbook to the goddamn letter, he naturally implores the group to go ahead without him. Save yourselves! It’s a noble gesture, but certainly not one that you would take a person up on after they’ve just saved you fro…

Baywatch Underwater

Damn, not even so much as a “toss me the knife” out of those two. Just bailed on his ass. “What’s that? Save ourselves? Done!”

What the hell, Baywatch? Could you at least try to instill some sense of seafaring responsibility in your viewers? Watching hot lifeguards run around makes people want to go to the beach. Would it kill you to do something to make them not be assholes when they get there?

Oh, in case you’re worried, the guy made it out of the cave without those fucksticks.

Baywatch

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