Ballbreaker: Brittany Ireland

Brittany IrelandWe ask a sexy babe what pisses her off. Today’s Ballbreaker: Brittany Ireland

Guys who show off on Facebook

Listen guys, I obviously love having my clothes off and showing the world, but you? Posing half-naked while gazing over a mountain might have worked back in the day for Greek Gods, but it makes you look more like a Geek God. I am truly glad to know you work on your body, and I congratulate you on the great results you’re getting. But when your half-inch square avatar is just a closeup of four ab muscles, it doesn’t say “hetero hunk.” It says “gay porn star.”

Parents who assault me with baby photos

I know this sounds bad, but why do new parents feel the need to show you hundreds of pictures of their alien-looking baby? I understand you’re proud, and I’m happy for you, but that multimedia presentation (perhaps set to Sheryl Crow’s “Sweet Child o’ Mine”) isn’t doing it for me. Sorry about the awkward silence, but I’m young and I don’t have baby fever. You want me to say the blob sitting on your couch is cute? OK, he’s cute.

Girls who act like they love sports as much as dudes

Ladies, I think it’s darling that you want to have a few things in common with your man, but stop butching out in the men’s small football jersey. Stop screaming at the scoreboard and talking about stats that, let’s be honest, you do not understand. It’s just gross. Sit back, have a few drinks and talk about how cute T.O. and Ochocinco are. Your boyfriend doesn’t really want you screaming over a roughing the passer flag, just like you don’t want him to cry when your favorite contestant on Dancing with the Stars gets eliminated.

Guys who fall in love

Listen, Romeo–as “fuck buddies,” we had an agreement that was working for both of us. So why are you acting like a pussy now? Why do you want to spoon, go to plays, meet my parents and take long walks in the park? Sometimes a girl needs some time away from relationships to focus on herself–but still needs a good romp on the weekends. Let me re-state the terms: We will fuck like animals, then I will call you a cab and you will get out of my house. I’m not making you breakfast, dealing with your morning breath, and, most importantly, sharing my cozy bed while you steal my down comforter. Beat it, geek!

Slobs who don’t exercise

I just don’t understand fat, lazy people. We are a different species. I work hard and eat right to get my body looking as amazing as it does, which in turn makes me feel better mentally. Fat people sit around watching Jerry Springer, eating half of a value meal and sucking down diet cokes—I cannot relate to this sad, chubby lifestyle and am OK admitting it. Why not take 30 minutes a day to sweat off a few of those cheese sticks? You will be amazed how much better you feel. You might even get laid again.

For more of this constructive abuse, follow Brittany at Twitter.com/BrittanyIreland. Photos by Dave Summers and Erik Johnson.

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