Ballbreaker (Jersey Shore Edition): Allison Torres

We ask a sexy babe what pisses her off.

Today’s Ballbreaker: Allison Torres, one of TSJ’s Real Girls of Jersey Shore, breaks down the season 2 premiere of MTV’s The Jersey Shore.

Nourishment

DISCLAIMER: Ballbreaker contributors are in reality lovely, sweet girls who are cranking up the attitude for entertainment purposes only, at the request of The Smoking Jacket.

TSJ asked me to sit down and watch the premiere of The Jersey Shore and react. So I grabbed some nourishment and sat down for the shitshow. I hate that it’s a bunch of New Yorkers exploiting New Jersey. Here goes.

Miami?

That’s like a show called CSI: Las Vegas in Chicago. It doesn’t make sense. Now we have gross New Yorkers, representing my beloved Shore, going to Miami? What kind of twisted bullshit triangle is this?

So many Gorillas this must be a jungle...

Gorilla chasing

Ladies, stop obsessing over “gorillas.” A juicehead is usually only jacked because he’s a frickin’ science-made meatball. And he’s only getting jacked with juice because he has a small penis and needs something to entice chickens. Girls want that? Not me. Sure the muscles are hot but the most important muscle—the “Pauly D”, if you will—is lacking.

Not Enough Fighting

Everyone said the best part of Jersey Shore was the fights. Where the fuck are they? For real! JWOWW needs to punch someone.

The Brown Bagging

What’s with all the brown bagging these bros are doing? You’re on freaking reality TV in Miami and you can’t use that to bang something hot? Pathetic.

The Geriatric Situation

I know I’m not the only who notices that The Situation looks about 10 years older than everyone else. Maybe a bit more G (focused somewhere besides your abs) and a little less T would help you stand out less, old man.

It's on for a full hour?!?!

JWOWW’s boobs

JWOWW. You look like an exploding stick of glitter glue with breasts that seem to always slide further and further out. Girl, that refund gap is crazy. Never go for the discount boob job!

Mama’s Boys

You know why Italian men are such creeps? Because they have families like Vinny’s: 25 deep and cheering you on to bang everything in Miami. That’s good upbringing. “Hey Ma, I bagged a skank last night.” “Oh that’s nice. Was she Italian?” “Ma, come on, she’s still laying in bed here with me; I’ll fill ya in later.”

Cute Little Pauly D

Poor Pauly D is basically a “My-Size Ken” doll. His hair is rock hard, and his features are even more ladylike than any of the girls’. He’s probably the classiest broad in that house. Rock it, sister.

Off-Roading Post-Monsoon

Ugh, I couldn’t be happier watching the boys’ precious truck get stuck in the mud. Only a bunch of juiced-looking New Yawkers would think off-roading after a monsoon was a good idea.

Check out the full gallery of shots Allison took while “enjoying” the premiere of Jersey Shore.