It’s Friday night and you’ve got your boys together to see the blockbuster du jour. You sit down at the theater with your popcorn and your large Dr Pepper, prepared for two hours of mind-blowing chase scenes and non-stop blood and gore. But about halfway through the second, “I love you, but I can’t change” monologue, it hits you: You’re totally watching a freakin’ chick flick.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with it, but we can’t help but notice that more and more movies designed for the ladies are being dressed up (or dressed down) as dude movies. In fact, knowing which bro flicks are the most appealing to most women will probably save your ass next time you schedule a couch date, so please refer to our list when trying to impress. Or at the very least, not offend.
5 The Town
Nobody has utilized the art of “chick flick disguised as an action movie” better or more frequently than Ben Affleck. We should have known that Affleck’s new movie about bank robbers in Boston would basically be a Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks joint with nun masks and rifles.
OK, so maybe it’s not quite a gory version of Sleepless and Seattle, but Affleck’s romance with Rebecca Hall’s character is essentially the focus of the film, and his character is only able to find peace after he’s reconciled things with his woman. Pansy.
4 Boiler Room
If there were two things that Wall Street was missing, it was hip-hop music and Nia Long. Thank God the year 2000 brought us Boiler Room.
Giovanni Ribisi starred as a young guy trying to find his way into one of the biggest trading firms around, unknowingly associating himself with a group of high-class criminals. Nothing about that sounds too lady-centric until you realize that Ribisi’s character’s only motivation is to please his father and win the love of Long’s character, who compromises her morals by working at the shifty trading firm because she has no other way to pay her mother’s medical bills. Hell, even Ben Affleck’s Glengarry Glen Ross-inspired speech (we told you, Affleck is the king of these movies) is a little too sexy to be threatening. He’s like a wolf in a silk teddy or something.
For a movie about guys trying to save the world from ending, they sure were pre-occupied with the ladies in their lives, wouldn’t you say? It turns out that not even an asteroid the size of Texas could keep Ben Affleck’s character away from Liv Tyler’s character long enough for him to stuff her panties full of animal crackers and piss off her dad.
Back in 1998 this movie was a massive hit (it was almost like an asteroid the size of Texas hit all other movies’ ticket sales, *rimshot*), but we know we couldn’t have been the only people to have left the theater thinking that that’s so not how the end of the world would work. Life as we know it is about to cease and you’re making out to a song your dad’s singing, Liv? Yeah right!
That being said, broads love this shit.
Perhaps the ultimate cross-dressing movie is the 1994 Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves jump off. Super villain, cop drama and bomb aside, Speed was basically just an epic romance movie set in the quaintest of locations.
Reeves and Bullock did the action/romance thing so well that in 2006 they dropped the action and went straight for the romance in The Lake House. If you’ve accepted that you’re more into the mushy stuff than you initially anticipated, you might as well make it a marathon and pick up that one, too.
1 Top Gun
If The Town is RuPaul, then Top Gun is ’90s-era Anna Nicole Smith with a fake mustache glued on. This 1996 Tom Cruise/Val Kilmer flick is so meant for females that if you were to leave a DVD copy of it on your girlfriend’s coffee table, her menstrual cycle would sync up with it.
Forget all the subtle (and not so subtle) gay themes, Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis’ romance is for sure the focal point of the film. And you know the soundtrack wasn’t meant for you, guys. Unless you’re into shit like this…
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