Ask TSJ: Whistling at Ladies


LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

Today’s incredible question comes from a regular TSJ spammer who goes most regularly by the pseudonym “John Carpenter.” Yeah. Like the scary movie dude. 

Dear TSJ,

Why do ladies have to teach themselves to be pests when we compliment them by whistling at them, and complimenting the looks of their bodies and clothes? 

- “John Carpenter”

MIKE SAYS

Listen, here’s the thing to remember about the ladies: You’re a fucking fucktard. You know why ladies are “pests” and don’t enjoy your “whistling” and “complimenting”? Because you’re a 5’8”, 240 lbs underemployed manchild who lives with his mother in suburban Des Moines, masturbates to online videos of Korean girls getting massages, has fingers perpetually caked in Doritos, considers bacon a vegetable, vacations in Cancun, has a degree in nothing, tucks in golf shirts, wears Chicago Blackhawks gear everywhere, calls his buddies T-Dog, and A-Ruff, and D-Boy, drinks Diet Coke, thinks that a jug of Bud Light at Chili’s is “going out”, wears Axe Body Spray, and really, really, REALLY, likes the Twilight movies.

Dude, get on Craigslist, find a treadmill, get a job, rent an apartment, and for the love of all things holy: STOP WHISTLING AT WOMEN.

From,
Mike

MELISSA SAYS

I can’t stop laughing about what Mike says. Also, you’re scary, Johnnypants. I dunno. There’s this tone, there’s this can’t-put-my-finger-on-it institutional ring to your question. Are you writing us from jail, dude? BONUS IF YOU ARE: Jails have some great literacy programs. Sign up for some of that shit, whydontcha.

Lemme add this to Mike’s two cents, dear chum. The chicas you’re after are not “teaching themselves” to be pests. It comes natural to the girls, the rejection. Because here’s the thing, and I know you’ve watched so much porn and you’re off your meds and it’s hard to figure this out, but ladies are fully-formed human beings with brains who are capable of judgment. What. I know. Take a sec to process that. Them being people and all means they’re not always pliant and willing like your scripted, two-dimensional Notebook darlens.

You like a lady? You gotta do the work. You gotta say, “Hi.” Or “How you doin’.” Initiate some two-way convo. Words, man. They rule.

And heed my advice, sonny delight: Stay off the bath salts.

Truly,
Melissa

Got a question for Melissa and Mike? Click here and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Blacking Out and Waking Up in Weird Places
Am I in Touch with Aliens?
Lovin’ Up on Non-human Mammals
Ask TSJ: Sex with An Ex

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