LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader named “Danny”.
I would like someone to help me determine if I have been in touch with aliens.
I always suffer from sleep paralysis, by the way.
A few nights ago, I was sleeping facing down, but I could see myself on the bed, but I couldn’t wake up; this is when it gets scary… I see a little creature about 2.5 feet tall with a BIG head and had had alien eyes and a big brain area, it was carrying something like a meter and it started walking towards me, I remembered that I wanted to move but I couldn’t do anything, and then when it got close to me it just crusted the object into my head and it was permanently stuck in my brain, and I could see it moving something like a gauge, the being just walked away from the room and left. Until he/she left is when I could wake up. One thing I have noticed is that recently I got this rash on my left arm just out of the blue. I really like to get someone’s opinion about this.
Many of us have unknowingly encountered aliens, and I couldn’t be happier that you’ve asked for our opinion. While what you’ve described could certainly be interpreted as an alien encounter, it could also simply be the residuals of your sleep issues. In order to truly know if you’ve encountered an alien, you need to examine your surroundings for peripheral evidence. Consider these questions:
1. Do your lawn and garden suddenly appear well manicured and maintained?
2. Are your children being cared for at a criminally low hourly rate? Are they becoming increasingly fluent in Spanish?
3. Is your breakfast typically huevos rancheros? Are your meals, in general, spicier than normal?
4. Do you live in Arizona, Texas, or California?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, then chances are you have encountered an alien.
I’m so excited to tell you that you’re totally communing with extra-terrestrials!
But are you getting boned up the ass yet? Because that’s when the fun really starts. The usual ETA, btw, for the ass-boning is about 10-14 days after the rash breaks out. AKA: Any time now! Wootwoot! Arm crank that babyshit!
And what is this mysterious dermis growth, you wonder. I’m so glad you asked! No, it’s not HPV! But close! The arm rash is where the lady alien stung you with her special spawning hormones. She tagged you so that she can find you all the way from Andromeda! And beyond! Wish I had powers like that to get me out of my FB stalking routine.
Speaking of FB, here is the awesome thing about life, Danny. Not only are you not alone in the universe, you’re not the only man to indulge in a little intergalactic lovin’. This goes way beyond mind-melding, bro. This is Captain James T. Kirk and the green lady. This is straight out of Species. This is really happening!
Almost forgot: The object in your brain? You didn’t invent it. Guess what? It’s an egg! Congratulations! You’re pregnant!
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