The public’s fascination with UFOs and little green men are evident in the movies we make and the hundreds of UFO gift shops that are still thriving businesses in Roswell, New Mexico. The possibility of an eventual visit from little green men with bulging black eyes is simultaneously scary (You’re going to stick that probe where??) and comforting (Oh thank sweet baby Jesus’ diaper, someone’s smarter than us!).
Ancient Alien theorists think that our fascination is not a coincidence because not only have our ancestors already shook hands and got the 411 from them, some also believe that mankind as we know it was actually created by aliens. Basically, we’re their DNA sea monkey project gone awry.
Ridiculous? Well take a minute, step back and put down that very believable book where that dude did something totally NOT ridiculous and parted an entire sea. Here are five compelling reasons why Ancient Alien theorists might be on to something.
Sumerians & Sky People
Ancient alien theorists point to the Sumerians as strong evidence that extraterrestrials have visited and communicated with human beings in the past. The Sumerians are one of the oldest recorded ancient civilizations. Their sudden emergence, advancements in writing and poetry and, most importantly, their farming technique is what allowed man to finally settle and no longer migrate. Sumerians spoke of “the Anunnaki” or the sky people (those who came from Heaven to Earth) and credit them for their knowledge and existence.
One fragment of Sumerian writings indicates that the Earth is the “seventh planet” counting in from Pluto. Sumer existed before modern astronomy confirmed the existence of Pluto, so how did the Sumerians KNOW about Pluto unless, as ancient alien theorists suggest, E.T. had a Learning Annex class on astrology with the Sumerians?
Welcome to Ancient Alien Airlines, please buckle your papyrus belt into the rock crevice and prepare for take-off. The Nazca lines are in the Nazca Desert in Peru. There is no explanation as to why the ancient Nazca culture would make these huge lines and drawings on the ground that can only be seen clearly when you’re up in the air. Erick Von Daniken, author of the book Chariot of the Gods and one of the first to present the ancient alien theory, believes that the Nazca lines are runways of an ancient airfield that served ancient aliens from another planet.
Another theory suggests that the Nazca might have obtained the knowledge of flight from these extraterrestrials and used it to help create the runways and art work. Impressive as the Nazca lines are, it was probably a huge disappointment for the aliens to find out after they landed that this airport didn’t have a Cinnabon OR a Starbucks.
Similar Extraterrestrial Art All Over The World
From cave drawings in Australia and North Africa, paintings from Italy and carvings from American Indians, all around the world, there seems to be clear evidence that our ancestors either saw the same freaky shit or smoked from the same bong. Even when there was no sudden gratification of a flip cam to fumble with and no shaky cell phone camera available to document UFOs, our ancestors thought these sights amazing enough that they took the time to bust out a rock and pound out a picture in an attempt recreate what they saw. We’re pretty sure they didn’t blister up their fingertips just so they could be mocked and lumped in with crazy, crop circle making rednecks a bazillion years later.
Puma Punku Stone Carvings
Before you go to the Bolivian Highlands and criticize them on their messy landscape, take a closer look at those huge scattered structures and you’ll see some damn fine craftsmanship. The stone ruins at Puma Punku defy logic as the cuts made into these granite and diorite stones could never have been made using ancient stone cutting techniques or tools. The stones are finely cut with perfectly straight lines and cored holes that are perfect and equal in their depth. All of the stone blocks were also cut so they would all fit together like a giant puzzle.
The other mystery about the stones is their weight, some in excess of 800 tons. How these stones were moved without heavy machinery is difficult to comprehend. If human beings moved these stones, wouldn’t the guts that blew out of their ass as they tried to move it be fossilized into a few rocks nearby?
Piris Reis Map of 1513
One of the most convincing pieces of evidence to support the ancient alien theory is the Piris Reis Map of 1513 that clearly depicts the South American coastline and part of what looks like the coast of Queen Maud, which is a section of Antarctica. It should be noted that the coast of Queen Maud was covered in thick ice and was only seen by mapmakers by using modern seismographic equipment. Author, Eric Von Daniken suggests that this map was drawn with the help of extraterrestrials because only they would have the technology to see past the ice sheets in Antarctica and the ability to map out the earth’s topography with precision. But as advanced as their technology was, they for sure didn’t have the awesome feature of being able to download Snoop Dogg’s voice onto their GPS. Score one for the less advanced life forms!
The Ancient Alien series on The History Channel suggests the possibility of other worldly beings sharing their DNA with us isn’t as farfetched as it would seem with all the evidence gathered from around the world. But maybe you’re still not ready to phone home to E.T. just yet. You’re probably wondering, if we have alien DNA, how come we don’t look like them? And to that we present to you, actress Tilda Swinton:
“Thank you for the Oscar Earth People.”
Are we ready to embrace her half alien ginger kids into our lives?
Half alien? Possibly.
Ginger kids? Still thinking about it….
Written by Elaine Chaney, friend of aliens, wary of ginger kids. Read more from her at Sanity, Interrupted.