Cosmo’s “Own His Orgasm” Rewritten

It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.

This time I offer my take on “Own His Orgasm!” from the October 2010 issue.


Summary

This article is a collection of 14 anecdotes describing different moves a woman can make just before a man climaxes in order to transform his finale from a fleeting thrill to a body-rocking explosion. Allegedly submitted by men, the anecdotes are clearly written by female staffers in a style similar to the Penthouse Forum, with fake first names and ages in place of “name and address withheld.”


Cosmo Text

“I dated a girl who sensed when I was about to come and would contract her vaginal muscles around me so that she felt extra tight. It was the best way to finish.” —Ben, 27

Dirty Martini’s Take

Shouting “OH SWEET JESUS I’M GONNA COME” at 120 decibels gave my girl a clear indication that an orgasm was imminent. And because she was squeezing so hard, the result of my inability to pull out arrived nine months later. Turns out it was the worst way to finish.


Cosmo Text

“It’s always hot to be told how good I feel inside a girl, but hearing how big and perfect my penis is as I’m hitting my peak makes me explode.” —Mike, 30

Dirty Martini’s Take

Lie to me, baby. Because the truth has no place in the seconds prior to ejaculation, especially when I’m the guy about to blast off and I’m packin’ a gherkin that’s tiny and hideous.


Cosmo Text

“During an oral session, I go crazy when she’s not afraid to play with my balls as I’m going off. Swirling her tongue around and taking them into her mouth make the sensations even more powerful.” —Jimmy, 20

Dirty Martini’s Take

It was great when I finally got my girl to orally attack my eggbag. Of course, to make it happen I had to have a picture of a platinum Master Card tattooed on my sack and spray some eau de Manolo Blahnik all over my groin area. But it was worth it.


Cosmo Text

“Don’t stop thrusting even though I probably have. Feeling you buck your hips against me as I climax creates extra waves of pleasure along my shaft.” —Joey, 30

Dirty Martini’s Take

Just because I’m falling asleep doesn’t mean you can’t have your fun. But speaking of shafts, I have to wake up early for a morning tee time, so could you wrap it up soon? Thanks. Love you!


Cosmo Text

“Maintain eye contact with me. That kind of confidence is irresistible and allows us to acknowledge the intensity of the moment without words.” —Ken, 24

Dirty Martini’s Take

When you maintain eye contact with me it allows you to see deeply into my very soul. Which in turn scares the shit out of me and renders me speechless as I formulate a plan to never see you again.


Cosmo Text

“When I orgasm, I can’t get enough of her digging her nails into my back and moaning at the top of her lungs. It’s like she’s so into me, she can’t hold herself back.” —Pavel, 22

Dirty Martini’s Take

Look, feel free to fantasize about the UPS guy when you’re fucking me just as I fantasize about the hot chick on the commuter train when I’m fucking you. But it’s getting harder to hide your scratch marks from my girlfriend, so ease up a little, would you?


Cosmo Text

“Passionately kiss me as I climax. It makes me feel so close to you even though we’re already, uh, connected right then.” —Rob, 25

Dirty Martini’s Take

What do you mean I have to pay extra for that?


Cosmo Text

“I had an ex who would suck and nibble on my ear lobe as I ejaculated. Those dual sensations…damn.” —Gordon, 25

Dirty Martini’s Take

I had an ex who would sneak up on me from behind while I was masturbating about the chick I saw at the beach last summer. Forgetting to lock the bathroom door…damn.


Cosmo Text

“I like when the spot behind my balls is shown a little love as I climax. Massage me firmly with your thumb. It takes the experience to another level.” —Kevin, 35

Dirty Martini’s Take

Yeah, that feels great. But could you move to the left a little? You’re blocking my view of the TV.


Cosmo Text

“I love when she looks me in the eyes and tells me just where to come. It shows she’s down for anything, and it’s thrilling to have her take control.” —Rich, 22

Dirty Martini’s Take

Again with the eye contact. Are you trying to get rid of me? Because if you are, it’s working.


Cosmo Text

“Let me tug on your hair or pin your hands above your head in the moment. It unleashes this primal side of me that makes my climax crazy-good.” —Matt, 25

Dirty Martini’s Take

But first, can I get you to put it in writing that you won’t press charges against me?


Cosmo Text

“Wrap your legs around the small of my back to pull me into you. That angle helps me get the deepest penetration possible.” —Alan, 21

Dirty Martini’s Take

Nine months later, another result of my inability to pull out arrived. Deepest penetration possible? So overrated.


Cosmo Text

“If she’s on top, I go nuts when a girl arches her back, whips her hair, and runs her fingers through it. Seeing her enjoy herself like that makes me feel like the man, and I come so much harder.” —Derek, 21

Dirty Martini’s Take

The fact that she’s ridin’ it like she’s in the rodeo isn’t enough to make me feel like the man, so I need a few extra visuals to get me there. What can I say? I’m dense like that.


Cosmo Text

“Grab my ass, and squeeze it as I orgasm. It feels amazing, like you’re propelling my seed out of my body.” —Evan, 19

Dirty Martini’s Take

“Propelling my seed.” Who writes shit like that? A female staffer at Cosmo who ran out of ways to describe ejaculation, that’s who.

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